Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Christmas 2006

My paycheck didn't come last Friday. So guess who didn't get her Christmas shopping done? Guess who didn't give anyone any gifts yet? Guess who feels like a HUGE loser?

That's right. That would be me.

If that weren't bad enough, the universe decide to stick it to me some more. Christmas night I came down with a massive toothache. I had cracked a tooth a few months ago but it decided to wait until CHRISTMAS to hurt. Go figure.

Went to the ER twice and they would NOT give me anything for pain. I suffered so much.

Finally got in to see an oral surgeon this morning. He yanked the fucker. Hours later and thanks to Tylenol 3 with codeine and this chica feels sooooooooooo much better.

Except for the abrupt way that Tim just logged off of Myspace messenger a few minutes ago. He didn't even give me a chance to say goodbye.

I know he was disappointed that I didn't come over Christmas night. I was disappointed that he didn't come here like I thought he would. But really, after my tooth started hurting I was in so much pain and I got a pain pill from my mom...that was all she wrote. I was zonked out.

Then last night...I know he wanted to see me. I wanted to see him too. I was in so much pain that it was crazy. I didn't want to see him how I was, which was curled up in a ball on my bed, holding the side of my face, crying hysterically.

This wasn't your normal, boo-hoo I am so sad crying, it was the sobbing like my heart is breaking red puffy eyes big globs of snot coming out of my nose crying. Now who would want to be with their boyfriend looking like that?? Not me.

It is still so early in our relationship that I am still at that "give your best impression" stage. At least in my mind. I know it's silly. This man has seen me naked and not run screaming for the hills for fuck's sake.

I don't know. I know he was disappointed but maybe he was mad at me for being such a baby. If he calls later or I call him I will ask.

At least in this relationship I have no problems asking him how he feels. And while I still am a little hesitant to tell him how I feel, I am getting better at it. I just want so much for this to work. I love him so much already and while it still scares me at times it makes me so very happy.

So other than all that...Christmas was good. I got a new digital camera from my mother. She knows I am starting to get into photography. I got a whole bunch of other things too, and I can't wait till I can get off these pain pills, get to driving, and give my gifts out.

Better late, then never, right?

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Yes, I love him too.

I spent the night at Tim's last night. It may seem odd to some people but I find that I actually sleep better when I am laying next to him with his arm thrown over me.

We talked about a lot of things. How he would love for me to have a job that I actually like. (ME TOO!) How he plans on writing a book, and the topic is something I can relate to. He supports me in my dreams as much as I support him.

He told me he loves me. He tells me that all the time but last night...he seemed so adamant about it. He told me he loves me more than he can express in words. He told me that I am the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. He told me that he's so happy when he's with me and so lonely when I'm gone.

All I could do was lay teary eyed in his arms and nod my head. Because I feel exactly the same way.

I know he's telling me the truth and speaking from his heart. I can hear it in his voice, see it in his eyes, feel it when he holds me.

Yet the ghosts of relationships past whisper in my ear. "You've heard that all before...and it was all lies," is what the evil little voice tells me. So that little shred of doubt remains.

He knows it's there. I know that it probably makes him angry. Yet I explained to him that it has nothing to do with him, that it has to do with the past, and he understands. He reassures me constantly that we are okay and that he loves me. I know it has to frustrate him to know that the doubt lives there in my mind.

The doubt, however, is long gone from my heart.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Today was a good day.

Work was not too bad today. Since we stopped the mandatory overtime I am able to take a nap when I get home and I think it's helping me not feel so run down.

Talked to Tim multiple times on the phone and then we went out to dinner. It was so nice being with him and being able to talk to him. I mean I spend a ton of time at his house, watching TV, talking, sleeping and umm...well you get the idea. ;) But it was nice to be out and about town with him. Tomorrow he wants to go to the movies.

Some people may say it's boring but I am content. Perfectly happy. I love him.

He was talking about his plans for the future (getting his LCSW license, starting a private practice, etc.) and I love hearing him talk about it. He has goals. He wants to do things with his life. Hearing him talk makes me want to do things. Makes me want to plan, to do more than what I am doing now.

He loves me for who I am and yet he makes me want to be a better person. That's not meant in a negative way at all. I guess I mean that he makes me want to push myself further...makes me want to realize goals...makes me dream about things I want to do and accomplish.

He inspires me and I love him for it.

So all in all today was a very good day.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

What might have been...

I've been seeing this really wonderful guy for about a month now. His name is Tim. Things have moved so fast with him and yet I'm not scared about it.

I've always been the kind of girl that falls in love too hard too fast and end up getting burned by it. I promised myself earlier this year that I would NOT let that happen again.

But he told me he loved me first. And he means it. And strangely enough it didn't make me want to run screaming for the hills, because I love him too.

Criticize all you want. I know what I feel. I know how he feels because he tells me constantly. He and I are so much alike and have so much in common that it's scary. I can tell him anything and he doesn't make me feel stupid or that my opinion doesn't matter. He listens when I talk, he asks questions, and he just in general really pays attention to me.

So...there was the possibility looming that I was pregnant. I know some of the people who will read this will think that I just hopped in to bed to get knocked up by someone, anyone because I have always wanted to have children. That's not the case.

He was scared. He said it was too soon, that we weren't ready. Deep down I agree. He and I need more time to get to know each other...to be just with each other before we bring a baby into the picture. I tried to act like it was no big deal...that I would carry through with the pregnancy on my own if need be.

Deep down I was scared shitless that I would lose him if I was in fact pregnant. I was scared about how much my life would change and if I could, in fact, do it on my own if I had to.

My time of the month is usually pretty regular so when the time for it to start came and there was nothing...I started to panic. I couldn't tell him. I was late by three days when we were laying in bed one night and he asked me when I was due. I blew it off lightly and basically told him "oh, any time now".

For those three days I had the worst heartburn imaginable. I could barely sleep and then would suddenly crash out in exhaustion. We were in the middle of messing around the one night in bed when my heart started pounding and I couldn't breathe and I thought my heart was going to explode in my chest. I had to stop what I was doing and just lay down for a few minutes to compose myself. I think maybe it was the beginning of a panic attack.

The next day, my time of the month finally arrived. Yes I felt immensely relieved. We haven't been together that long and this would probably have ended things between us prematurely.

Yet...I was sad. I still feel sad. Tim had asked me once if I was pregnant..."are you ready to be a mother?" I told him I thought so. But this has made me realize that I am ready. I want to be a mother and start a family.

I also realized that it will wait until the time is right. But if it happens, when it happens there is no doubt that I will be ready. I just can't wait.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

New Blog

I wanted to start a new blog. Something new to coincide with all the new changes in my life. I'm not necessarily running or hiding from the past...I just want to move forward with my future.

So here I am.

Bacardi Trix is a nickname that was given to me by my friends and has seem to have stuck. So I decided to use it here too. I already use it on my Myspace.

I'll be posting soon. I have a lot to say.

Gotta go with the family to get the tree but I will be back. :)