Monday, March 26, 2007

So that update I mentioned......

I mentioned an update so here goes:

Tim had his ER visit the 10th. On the 12th he decided we needed to talk. He told me he was moving back in with his parent to get his life together. I was happy about that because I honestly think he needs a 24 hour support system and we haven't been together long enough for me to be that for them. They also gave him an ultimatum.

That's right. Break up with me. Just be friends. They want him to focus on his recovery and his issues and get himself well again. So I cried and let him go. I mean I couldn't very well deny him the help and time he needed just so I could stay happy.

The 16th rolls around and he calls me and asks me to meet him so we can talk. So I do. He asked me repeatedly if I was okay and told me I looked tired. Well gee, just perks a girl right up to hear that. What was I supposed to look, happy and well rested after he just dumped me? He asked me to go to his meetings with him (no, not an alcoholic or drug addict, he has other issues) and I agreed. Then he asked me to go to church with him.

Now I am not a traditional church goer. It does nothing for me. I asked him why and he says "I think it would help change my mother's opinion of you." Apparently the woman who has met me ONE TIME and saw me for like five minute two other times thinks I am going to be like his ex-girlfriend and verbally and emotionally abuse. And take all his money.

I refuse to change myself to make someone else happy. I am me, take it or leave it. If she thinks I am some big monster so be it. Both she and her son need to grow up and stop putting me in the same category as his EX-bitch. I am tired of paying for her mistakes.

He could tell I was mad, I mean, wouldn't you be? So we kind of left it at that. He came over to the house later that night, wanting to go to the movies, but Angie was here and I just wasn't going to dump my friend for him. Fuck that. So he invited her along. The night went well.

Then the 21st came along. He calls me at 10:15 at night and asks me to come over so we can talk. Angie was over that night too and I said maybe after she left. He could tell I was still angry with him and he sounded disappointed. In the end, I ended up not going.

So he showed up at my house the next day, asked me to go out. We went to a little store near here to get something to drink and sit and chat. He apologized to me for the whole breakup saga. Basically said that he keeps piling on all this crap on his mother and she in turn puts all this pressure on him. Asked me if I was still interested in him, of course I said yes I love the boy, so we agreed to try it again. Go slowly, take our time, build back up to the level we had been at.

So that brings us to the day after that which was Friday. We were supposed to go to the movies. He called while I was in the shower and left some vague message. Anyway, ended up not meeting up with him and not talking and I haven't heard from him all weekend.

So that's where we stand. Everything up in the air and I have no idea what is up.

I need a vacation.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Eh.

I haven't posted much because I haven't felt like talking about what has been going on. I'll probably make an update entry later.

But here is some news...got a new haircut and finally took a new picture.

Here is me, July 2006:



Here I am today, March of 2007:


So...what do you think?

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Unsure and Afraid

So Tim is not doing so hot.

Last night about 9:30pm he called me from the hospital. He asked me to come meet him there because he wanted to get an evaluation. He was feeling suicidal again and instead of trying anything like he did last time he did as I asked him to do and went to the hospital. The other options I gave him were to call me or come straight over to my house.

When I got there he was staring off into space. He mumbled when he spoke to me and cried. It broke my heart to see him like that. He was so down on himself.

They finally took him back. So I played the waiting game. They called me back at around 11:30pm and it was scary.

He was like a completely different person. He was calm, lucid. He was like his normal every day self.

Long story short he was evaluated and since he seemed better they sent him home with a referral for a psychiatrist. No meds and they didn't even admit him for observation. And he was MAD that they wouldn't admit him.

I got home about a quarter to 1 in the morning, got something to eat and then went to his house to spend the night. He seemed okay this morning.

Now, depression runs in our family. I understand it. All I can do now is just pray to God for the strength to be able to help him through this and give him all the love and support that he needs and is going to need for a long time.

I'm just afraid that what I can offer will not be enough.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Hard Work

This relationship stuff is hard. I know I said it before but I don't know how many times I can stress that point because it's so true.

I finally pinned Tim down to talk to me. He asked me to come over last night and we were laying in bed. Kind of a weird time to talk but I could tell he was upset. So I just pulled him close and told him to talk to me.

So he did. I didn't realize how bad things have gotten with him. He has sunk into this major depression. He found out his ex-girlfriend found out she was pregnant after they broke up and aborted his baby without even telling him about it. He has no confidence in himself anymore. He has lost all positive thoughts for his life.

He tried to kill himself last week. I didn't even know.

I started feeling like a failure. Like I am not holding up my end of this relationship. I mean, he felt that depressed about his life and things that are going on that he'd rather kill himself then talk to me.

Those who know me really well know how hard it is for me to express my feelings to people. But I did it. I told him. I finally got it all out. My worry for him. My hopes for us as a couple. I cried when I told him that all I want is for him not to push me away and to come to me when he is feeling depressed. I told him to call me immediately or just come over to my house, no invitation needed.

He is supposed to see his a psychiatrist on Monday. He wants to get on some medication in addition to talking to someone. I think it's a good idea.

He told me the only bright thing in this dark tunnel for him is me and that he loves me.

We finally talked and broke the silence. Now we can move on to getting him better (I hope!!) and just loving each other.