Relationships

Everyone goes into relationships thinking it will be easy. You date, have sex, fall in love, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after.

No one realizes how much work it is.

I love Tim. I really do. I've only been in love two other times in my life so I know or think this is the real deal.

He's got some issues. He brought it up to me about a week after we started dating. So I know what I was walking in to.

I thought it would be so easy to deal with his problem. I mean he's not an alcoholic, drug abuser and he's not physically violent. He doesn't cheat. So everything else would be a cake walk, right?

Wrong.

He tell me he loves me, that he needs me, that he needs my support and help. The other night he was really down about himself and the stuff he is facing and said a few comments that concerned me. About sometimes he thinks about slitting his throat to get away from it all.

We were supposed to go out last Saturday night. His cell phone died in the middle of our conversation and I tried his house, no answer. Left him a message. He came by my house but I had stepped out to get something to eat so I missed him. Called him that night, he got on the phone and asked if he could call me back.

I didn't hear from him until Tuesday. Then he told me that he lost his job the same day.

I want to help him but I fear bringing up his problem. I don't want to make him mad. I don't want to make him NOT love me anymore. But...the stress of this...me worrying for DAYS that he was not okay, leaving message after message pleading with him to call and just let me know he was okay and getting NO response...it hurts me.

We went out Thursday night. Made plans for last night for dinner and a movie. Made plans to go to NYC today.

He no called no showed me last night. Didn't answer my message. Phone has been busy all day.

Yes it hurts. But more importantly I am worried that he's not okay.

We need to sit down and talk about this. We both know he has a problem. We never talk about it. It's like a huge pink elephant sitting between us in the living room. We both see it, we both know it's there...but we refuse to acknowledge it to each other. Out of fear of looking stupid. Or fear of losing each other.

I love him, but the silence has got to stop.

So now that I'm 29...

I feel old. Really old. I'm thinking it was those two years that I had three visits in the hospital, catching up with me. Or maybe is was the stroke.

I feel so tired and have no idea why. Nothing is really stressing me right now that I can tell. Maybe my subconcious is fighting with itself. Who knows?

I do know that next year, for my 30th, I am going on a trip. Where, I don't know. Who with, whoever wants to come. I just want to get away and celebrate BIG. For a while there a bunch of my doctors (and I have had 7 at one time) thought that I might not have made it.

So instead of New Year's Resolutions, I have resolutions for this year. Things to Change Before I Turn 30.

1. Go back on the weight loss program I started before and that actually worked. My Dream Goal is to lose 100 pounds by 30 years old. To be realistic I will settle for 75. (Yes, I am a big girl for those who don't know.) I lost over 40 pounds before so I know I can do it.
2. Try not to dwell on the stupid things. Be happy I am alive and have someone who loves me.
3. Curse less. Fuckity fucking fuck, and all that.
4. Get a new job with benefits ASAP so I can get back on all the pills I am supposed to be taking. It's a miracle I haven't landed in the hospital again. I thank God, Allah, whoever happens to be up there for that.
5. Get out of my negative mindset. I always think the worse and it has been shown to me that it can be a detrimental way of thinking.

So basically I want to be a happier, HEALTHIER person. I don't think any of the things I listed will be too hard for me to accomplish. I'm sure there are more I can think of too, so I might add back to this entry later.

Ya'll have a peachy day.