Sunday, July 22, 2007

Self Therapy

I was sitting and watching a movie today and I started thinking about myself. It's not often that I really take the time to think about ME. I'm usually so worried about pleasing every one else that I lose sight of myself and what I want and need.

One of the things that I puzzled over was why am I not good enough? As in guys. Why am I not good enough for a relationship? Why can I never find anyone who thinks I am worth fighting for or worth keeping around? Is it true that the men in my life had thought that or it was something just in my own head?

This isn't even about one specific guy. I was just wondering what is wrong with me that makes a guy either A) unwilling to commit, B) willing to commit for a short time and then turn crazy on me, C) not willing to fight for me.

And part of it is in my head. I've come to the conclusion that I always think I am not good enough because of my father. All because he decided that the family he had wasn't good enough so he had to leave and make a new one. It's been 11 years and it's still affecting me.

I was 18 when he left so I really have no illusions that my mom drove him away or something. He made the choice to fuck around on her. He made the choice to leave her, marry his whore, and have a child. It had nothing to do with me at all.

Yet I can't get it out of my mind...how can any man find me good enough...worthy enough...to commit to and stay with if my own father didn't want to stay around?

So I had my little bit of therapy today and hope that tomorrow will be better. I'm going to try to stay positive and take it all one day at a time. It's all I can do.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

This Past Weekend AKA OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED!

Friday: D came over and he, Angie, and I went swimming. It was a really fun day until Tim called me. Basically he blew up my phone. Called twice, left two voicemails, and texted me twice.

D wanted to hear the voicemails so I played them on speaker phone. They basically said the same old usual crap. "I love you I am so sorry my life is so much better now I never meant those things I said." Blah de fucking blah. I was pissed. D told me I should call him and tell him to fuck off or he wouldn't ever leave me alone.

So I did. I was pleasant enough. People say I am too nice and maybe this was one of those occasions. I got a lot of stuff off my mind in a short time, told him I was NOT getting back together with him, and that I was seeing someone. He asked if we could still be friends and I was like, ummmm no, it would take a very long time to ever get to that level. I felt so much better.

I hung up. D looked at me and told me that I still had feelings for Tim. Ummmmm.....no. Anger. Pity. Kicking myself in the ass for letting me/making me feel like shit for six months. But no love. Not anymore. So I had to convince him. Hehehehe.

Saturday night. Angie, Jenna, and I went to D's house to hang out. Had some pizza, and some drinks, Jenna went home.

Long story short...D ended up calling Tim and threatening him on his voicemail. And then the police ended up calling me cause Tim went and filed a harassment complaint against me. It was not funny at the time but it sure as hell is funny now. The little coward left his house at 2:30 in the morning to go call the cops. Basically we were told to cease and desist all contact and whichever party contacted the other next were the ones going to jail.

I am soooooooooooo waiting for Tim to call back. ROFL

Anyway...

Things with D. Going well I think. Getting to know him. I care about him a lot. Not in love with him yet but we all know that stuff can't be rushed. He has some issues but so do I. Basically he has an ex that treats him like Tim used to treat me.

Except while I loved Tim, D is still IN love with his ex. He is a wonderful man, a loving father, and deserves so much fucking better than that Bitch. That Bitch has torn him down so much that I could just punch her in the face.

I try and try and try to tell him that he is a wonderful man. That he deserves happiness (and yes, while it killed me to say it I said whether it be with me or someone else) and deserves someone who will treat him with the respect and the love that he so deserves. He needs and deserves someone who will love him for the total package. He needs someone who will not put him down and make him feel like crap. The look on his face when he tells me things she has said or done...breaks my heart. I tell him over and over how special he is, yet sometimes I think he doesn't believe me.

I told Vicki a bit about the situation, not too many details because it's D's personal business and not my business to discuss. Just enough so she knew what I was dealing with. After I was done venting about The Bitch, she asked me "And D...is he worth it? Is he worth the waiting you'll have to do? The fighting against the walls he has built up? Is he worth the jealousy you are going to feel if he talks about his ex?"

The answer is yes. He is so worth it. I just wish I could make him see that. I care about him a lot. Would I like to see it develope into something more? Hell yeah.

But I am not going to push him or rush him into anything he is not ready for. Right now I am content to get to know the man better. To let him get to know me. Spend time with each other. One day at a time and see how things go.

I intend to make him see that he IS worth it. He IS worth the fight. I intend to make him see that he can't push me away and that I will NOT give up on him.

He'll see that I am quite persistent when I set my mind on something that I want.

Friday, July 06, 2007

A new beginning....?

So on Myspace I started talking to this guy, we'll call him D. Not a very interesting pseudonym as it's the first initial of his first name, but oh well.

We've talked, we've hit it off. We have so many things about ourselves that are so alike that it's scary.

I am not rushing things. Well I kind of rushed into something with him...but it's what I wanted.

I don't know what is going to happen or where this is going to lead, but it's going to be exciting to find out.