My Dating Resume

Name: Jenn (future wife/sex slave of viable applicant in response to this post!) Age: 29
Height: 6'1"
Eyes: Hazel, of the greenish brown variety
Hair: Long, straight, and currently dyed a light brown
Weight: Not telling.
Gender: Female.
Sexuality: Straight for everyone but Angelina
Religion: Non practicing Catholic
Political Affiliation: None, I don't vote
Occupation: I steam and bag fabric that they make Pl@ytex Eighteen H0ur Br@s from. Not my dream job but right now it pays the bills.

Educational Background: Graduated May 31, 1996. No college, YET, due to finances, etc. Besides, school bored me.

Most Notably Supports: Gay Marriage. Arts. Music.

I.Q.: No damn idea.

Diseases, Disabilities, and Neuroses: Wow. Ummm. okay, it's a list. Factor V Leiden Mutation, thyroid disease, damage to heart and lungs from blood clots. I have a nifty titanium thing implanted in my vena cava where it sits right behind my navel or so to catch blood clots. Umm. I used to have high cholesterol but I'm on a diet so it went down. Most of the disabilities I had due to a mild stroke are gone....well sometimes I have shaky balance and sometimes some memory problems (brain farts) but so far I am doing pretty good. As for Neuroses....well I can be pretty anal about some things. And I have mild OCD I think, though it's never been diagnosed. Hehehe.

Sexual History: That is something that I actually prefer to be a one on one conversation. I will say this. I have a very active imagination and I intend to put it to VERY good use.

Social Habits: Don't smoke. Drink on occasion but have never been a hard core drunk. I like to flirt excessively. Never did drugs either. I am not a bar hopping person but I am not opposed to going to a bar to sit and watch a band and have a drink or two.

Special Skills: Really good at making mix CDs, and matching paint colors. I would kick ass at Name that Tune. I have the wonderful ability of being able to give all my friends advice with their life problems and the complete inability to figure out my own. I make pretty nice jewelry and paint pretty jewelry boxes and flower pots.

Fetishes: Pirates. Basically I think it's the whole aggressive pillage and plunder and passion thing. I want a man who will just throw me down and go for it if the mood strikes him. I want someone who will take my breath away.

Possible Cons: I cuss like a sailor. I can be a bit disorganized. Hate doing dishes. Sometimes I let things from the past cloud my judgement. I'm late 70% the time when I am trying to get somewhere. Perverted sense of humor that some find offensive

Enjoys: Reading, painting, listening to music, burning CDs, chatting on the net, researching things for stories I write....Long Island Iced Teas....flirting......tending the flowers in the garden...watching Wrestlin'.

Dislikes: Racism, homophobia, narrow-mindedness in all forms, violence, cruelty to animals. Stupid people....stupid as in no common sense or rude, nasty individuals.

Men Who Find All These Things Okay: Must be at least 5'9". I'm 6'1" and want someone at least close to where I am. I will happily send you off to have fun with your men OR FEMALE friends as long as you are coming home to me! I expect the same courtesies returned. You must not like either the Boston Red Sox or New England Patriots. You must be able and willing to do the dishes. You must adore going to the movies and cuddling in the couch

I have a soft spot the size of the Grand Canyon for quirky sort of romantic gestures. And I LOVE flowers, all kinds, even daisies.

I love, love, LOVE horror movies. I love watching them, reading about them, talking about them. Extreme gore and violence does not bother me in the least, for I am no delicate little hothouse flower.

And you should never attempt to separate applicant from her love of the following television shows: WRESTLING baby!!, American Idol, The Apprentice, ER. One Tree Hill. Gilmore Girls. America's Next Top Model.

Finally, you should be chivalrous, be spontaneous. I do not take well to force. I have a very active imagination but have never been able to express it!

References: I still speak to four of my ex-boyfriends and am even quite friendly with two of them. They're on my Myspace friends list and if you can figure out which ones they are, feel free to contact them.

Applicant is opinionated, occasionally bitchy, intelligent, accomplished and somewhat attractive (but needs to be assured of this on occasion because her self esteem is in the crapper). She does not need to get her way all the time. She's supremely patient, very accommodating, but still a spirited specimen of a female. She loves to flirt. She has a creative side which can sometimes be considered weird at times.

But she can be hurt, she has been hurt (quite badly). And she's going to be suspicious of you at first. She's going to think you're nuts to want her, and she'll openly doubt your motives. You'll have to work for this one, but understand - it's what she wants. She's just afraid.

So be careful, but this one's worth it. Really.

Barriers

I came across this quote. It means a lot to me.

Rumi:
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

I've got barriers built up inside me. A lot of layers of different emotions that I have put up to protect myself. Yet I keep getting hurt. Every time I let someone in and pull down the walls I regret it.

The loneliness is back, that much is clear. It's rearing it's ugly head at night. It's hard for me to sleep. I have so much love to give to someone and no one to give it to. I am 29, ready to be married and settled down, and yet either no one is willing or something goes wrong.

There were so many issues with Tim. My self esteem is still in the dumps over that one. I try so hard to tell myself that it was all him and just me but that little voice inside my head tells me there is no way it was ALL him.

It's almost 2am and I have to get up for work at 4am. Go figure.

I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

Can't Think of a Title

Where do I begin?

Oh, Adam, I left you a reply in the comments of the previous entry, under your comment.

*****

Tim and I are done. Finished. After his last text and phone calls I just couldn't take it anymore. Granted, the whole reason I was ignoring him was hoping he would give up and go away. He has some mental issues (I think he may be bipolar) and I didn't really want him to flip out on me. So after his last text message saying that he loves me and please get back together I just simply replied "No."

I haven't heard from him since.

It's a good thing, so please don't be all sad and sympathetic for me. That relationship was not good for me. It started out great but in the end I started to lose a bit of myself I think.

I let him control a lot of aspects of the relationship. It was not healthy for me to do so. I let him make all the decisions and that is not normally like me. After breaking up twice when he brought up my "devil" tattoo in bed the night before we broke up...I was so in the mindset of wanting to please him that I offered to get it changed.

If you are in a relationship and you have to change yourself so drastically like that, it is so not worth it. I hate myself for even offering it. I thought I was a stronger person than that. Yet he was also at fault for making me feel so bad about myself that I'd be willing to do something like that.

So here I am. Tattooed. Attitude. Still not going to church. And while I may not be blissfully happy being alone, I am quite content with the skin I am in.

And I promised myself to never, EVER, change myself to make someone else happy.