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So D.

He had a bit to drink last night and doesn't remember our conversation. He doesn't remember what he asked me and then his comment on it later.

He doesn't remember the argument we got into or the comment he said to me that has been in my mind all day.

He told me he's thinking of moving to Oregon.

He's serious about it. I offered to beg and plead but it seems his mind is pretty much made up.

So now...knowing he doesn't remember what was said, or the fight we had, and the fact he is pretty much dead set on moving...yeah, that cracking noise you heard was my heart.

Go figure.

Barriers

I came across this quote. It means a lot to me.

Rumi:
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

I've got barriers built up inside me. A lot of layers of different emotions that I have put up to protect myself. Yet I keep getting hurt. Every time I let someone in and pull down the walls I regret it.

The loneliness is back, that much is clear. It's rearing it's ugly head at night. It's hard for me to sleep. I have so much love to give to someone and no one to give it to. I am 29, ready to be married and settled down, and yet either no one is willing or something goes wrong.

There were so many issues with Tim. My self esteem is still in the dumps over that one. I try so hard to tell myself that it was all him and just me but that little voice inside my head tells me there is no way it was ALL him.

It's almost 2am and I have to get up for work at 4am. Go figure.

I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

You have got to be kidding me, right?

I haven't talked to Tim in three weeks. Last night he text messaged me.

"Txt me i luv u i want to see u tngt u have not spoke to me lately are u mad at me"

Are you mad at me? You have got to be fucking kidding me. My jaw hit the floor on that.

So he thinks I should be happy that he basically called me a Godless whore? That he insulted me and our relationship together by saying that all I was into was sex and that having sex with me was a "sin" that he had to "ask God for forgiveness for"?

Oh hell no. I am not going through that again.

He must think I am either really stupid or really desperate. To think that I would just forget the past month, forget his comments, and just forgive him like that and go running back to his sorry ass.

I don't think so.

But damn, does he have some major balls to even text me that. To even assume that.

Hitting Me Hard

For about the past hour I've been sitting here, quietly crying. I can't seem to make myself stop.

I only cried once, the day Tim dumped me, but today for some reason it just hit me hard. I haven't loved many people in my life but I did love him. I put my heart, body, and soul into a relationship with that man for five months and he just threw it all away.

I've been feeling like crap the past few days. Self-esteem is really low at the moment and I've been on edge but I paste a smile on my face so no one can see how I really feel. The past three weeks I've slept about two or three hours a night and yet I am still functioning.

I went to Petsm@rt tonight with Jenna and Angie. I always look at the cats when I go in there even though I already have three and realistically couldn't afford to feed and take care of any more. I saw this one cat that was adorable and looked familiar. I was about to say "Oh that cat looks just like Tim's" when I saw the cat's name tag on the cage.

It was Tim's cat, Cinnamon. My heart broke. You see, when you are involved with someone you get involved with their pets, especially if you are an animal lover like me. I adored both his cats like they were my own. I would go to his house and Cinnamon and Sugar would climb in my lap and go to sleep. When I would sleep in his bed Cinnamon would curl up on the pillow next to my head and I would fall asleep to the sound of her purring all night.

So I was shocked. Angie and Jenna couldn't believe it. So we looked at the other cats and soon found Sugar.

The paperwork said he had surrendered them both. Willingly. For no reason.

I was so angry. So mad. He had raised the cats since they had been kittens. So I bent down and tapped on the glass of the cage Cinnamon was in. She looked at me and recognized me. Stood on her hind legs and scratched at the glass and meowed at me. She tried to get to me so bad. Sugar did the same thing.

I got teary eyed. Jenna got teary eyed and had to walk away. I wanted to take those baby cats home so bad but I simply do not have the room or the money to do so.

I'm so angry. He threw me away. Threw my love away. Threw his cats away.

Yet I can do nothing but sit here and cry. Because like me, those cats gave him nothing but unconditional love...and we all got thrown away like a used Kleenex.

When does it go away?

I know I brought this on myself by not getting back together with Tim, but when does the pain and the lonely feelings go away?

When do I start to feel whole again and stop doubting myself?

The worst part is sleeping alone. It never bothered me before but after being serious with someone for five months, sleeping in their bed four or five nights a week...you get used to the human contact.

You get used to having the other person curled up behind you, their arm thrown over you. You get used to them waking in the middle of the night, kissing your shoulder, whispering I love you and pulling you closer.

You get used to waking in the middle of the night and seeing that they rolled away and you roll over to them and do the same in return.

I haven't been sleeping well. I don't know if it's so much that I miss HIM but that I miss the closeness and comfort I felt having him in the bed.

When will that longing go away?

Trying To Make Sense of it All Part 2

Seven hours later I got this text message:

"All I want to be is friends nothing else this is my decision".

I didn't respond to that one either. I just left it. I was worn out, worn down and didn't want to care. I did care but it was easier to be mad.

April 3rd rolled around and I got a text that night. "Jenn call me or txt me please." Umm, no thanks, I don't want any of what you are selling.

The next day he called my cell. Three times. Three long voice messages. Apologizing for everything he had said and begging me for forgiveness. He told me how much he loved me and missed me. He told me how sorry he was. He told me how he wanted to marry me and have children with me and be together forever.

I didn't answer the phone. I didn't call him back. He in essence called me a whore who had no God in her life, told me he didn't like my tattoos, and that I should be trying to better myself...but I was supposed to forgive him just like that??

This past Saturday I tried to call him but his phone was off. So I texted him. He replied with " I luv u do u luv me i miss u". Sweet right?

So I texted back with "Yes I love you and maybe we can work things out."

His response: "Can u come over tnt i want to have sex with u and make up."
Me: I can't, my cousin is visiting from out of town for the Easter holiday. And you need to realize how much you hurt me.
Him: When can we have sex again

Picture me sitting here in bed, talking to Angie, getting that text and just sitting here blinking dumbfoundedly at the phone. WHAT THE HELL? No, "I'm sorry I hurt you". No, "I'm sorry I said all YOU were into is sex".

I responded. Easter Sunday morning. "Is that all you want? Just sex?"

Tim: No I want a serious relationship with some sex.

I haven't bothered to respond. He crushed my self esteem into the dirt. He made me feel like a whore. He made me feel like my tattoos were nasty. He made me feel like I am below him and I should be bettering myself to be on his elevated level.

Yet the best he comes up with is "WHEN CAN WE HAVE SEX AGAIN?"

I should have responded with "A cold day in hell motherfucker."

So what to do...meet him and try to work it out? Take him back?

Or pursue this possible other opportunity that has popped up with an ex from 11 years ago who will always hold a piece of my heart no matter what?

I'm thinking stay single for a while. If the 11 year ex and I DO get back together...which might or might not happen...I don't want to use him as a rebound guy.

I just can't get over the fact that a 30 going on 31 year old Momma's boy who has a gambling addiction, who hasn't been to church in over five months, who likes sex just as much as I do...is sitting back, passing judgement on me, dumping me three times for various crap...and he acts like he is better than me. WTF?

Then asks me to come over so we can have sex and make up.

Pfft.

Trying To Make Sense of it All...Part 1

I didn't want to write about what happened because I have been trying to make sense of it all in my head. I can't get it straight. I don't know what to do. I know how I feel...hurt, worthless, angry, like dirt. It is amazing to me how when you love someone and they love you back how easy the words that they say can build you up or tear you down.

Or rip you to shreds.

Tim and I got back together. We were going to try to work things out. I went to his house on March 31st. We had a great night together (not getting into details, but it was nice). I got up early Sunday morning, April 1st, to come home and get the house straightened up. It was Wrestlemania day and he was going to come over with a bunch of my friends so I wanted to straighten up. I woke him, gave him a kiss, told him I was leaving.

Five minutes down the road from his house my cell phone rang and he asked why I had left. He asked me to come back to bed. So of course you know what happened when I went back. Good sex, great sex. So afterwards we get up, get dressed, he starts cleaning up stuff around his house. He tells me he still has a lot to do so "Why don't you leave and I will see you later?" I got a hug, a kiss, and an I love you and I was out the door.

Called my friend Vicki so I would have someone to talk to on the drive home. 10 minutes after I left his house I get a text message asking me to pick up some condoms. LOL I was like ok, but since I was on the phone I couldn't reply. Fourteen minutes later I get this hellish text message that just killed me.

To quote: "All u r into is sex u don't have god in ur life and u have a tattoo that resembles a devil and u r not trying to better urself i need someone who is and u r not that person i think the best thing is 4 us to break up n be friends."

I had Vicki on speaker phone and was just screaming, what the hell, what the fuck, what is this, where is this coming from?!? She tried to calm me down but it wasn't working. We got off the phone and I texted him, questioned him where this was coming from all of a sudden. No response. Then the coward turned his phone off because you can better believe I tried to call him.

I was pulled over at a gas station at this point. I just sat there and started bawling. What was so wrong with me that I had to "better myself"? How could he possibly think that "all I was into was sex?" I sat there crying and second guessing myself and every second of our relationship.

So I did what any woman does. I called my best friends and luckily Jenna and Angie (they are local my other friends are scattered across the country) met me at the gas station. I read them the texts and Angie started talking about going and kicking his ass, which made me crack up. The more I talked the less I cried and the more angry I felt. My self esteem was in the toilet.

I couldn't go home looking all cried out and upset because then I would have been questioned and I didn't want to get into it anymore. We drove around, looked at cars and shit and basically gave me a chance to suck it up and pull it together.

Then two hours later I got another text. Again, quoting it: "i'm not committing any more sin w u ive asked god 4 forgiveness".

Are you shitting me here? I busted up laughing at that one. This coming from a man in the entire almost five months we had been together hadn't stepped foot in a church ONCE! I didn't even bother to respond. I was done. Wore out, wrung out, feeling like some kind of dirty whore and sinner. Angry that I had given more and more of myself to him and got nothing back in return.

So we started the jokes, calling ourselves dirty whores and Godless sinners because dammit if I didn't laugh about it all I was going to do was cry. We hung out all day, I talked to a couple more of my girlfriends and even one of my ex-boyfriends (we stayed friends) and I just tried to pick up the pieces.

Seven hours later, I got another text.

Part 2 coming later...

So that update I mentioned......

I mentioned an update so here goes:

Tim had his ER visit the 10th. On the 12th he decided we needed to talk. He told me he was moving back in with his parent to get his life together. I was happy about that because I honestly think he needs a 24 hour support system and we haven't been together long enough for me to be that for them. They also gave him an ultimatum.

That's right. Break up with me. Just be friends. They want him to focus on his recovery and his issues and get himself well again. So I cried and let him go. I mean I couldn't very well deny him the help and time he needed just so I could stay happy.

The 16th rolls around and he calls me and asks me to meet him so we can talk. So I do. He asked me repeatedly if I was okay and told me I looked tired. Well gee, just perks a girl right up to hear that. What was I supposed to look, happy and well rested after he just dumped me? He asked me to go to his meetings with him (no, not an alcoholic or drug addict, he has other issues) and I agreed. Then he asked me to go to church with him.

Now I am not a traditional church goer. It does nothing for me. I asked him why and he says "I think it would help change my mother's opinion of you." Apparently the woman who has met me ONE TIME and saw me for like five minute two other times thinks I am going to be like his ex-girlfriend and verbally and emotionally abuse. And take all his money.

I refuse to change myself to make someone else happy. I am me, take it or leave it. If she thinks I am some big monster so be it. Both she and her son need to grow up and stop putting me in the same category as his EX-bitch. I am tired of paying for her mistakes.

He could tell I was mad, I mean, wouldn't you be? So we kind of left it at that. He came over to the house later that night, wanting to go to the movies, but Angie was here and I just wasn't going to dump my friend for him. Fuck that. So he invited her along. The night went well.

Then the 21st came along. He calls me at 10:15 at night and asks me to come over so we can talk. Angie was over that night too and I said maybe after she left. He could tell I was still angry with him and he sounded disappointed. In the end, I ended up not going.

So he showed up at my house the next day, asked me to go out. We went to a little store near here to get something to drink and sit and chat. He apologized to me for the whole breakup saga. Basically said that he keeps piling on all this crap on his mother and she in turn puts all this pressure on him. Asked me if I was still interested in him, of course I said yes I love the boy, so we agreed to try it again. Go slowly, take our time, build back up to the level we had been at.

So that brings us to the day after that which was Friday. We were supposed to go to the movies. He called while I was in the shower and left some vague message. Anyway, ended up not meeting up with him and not talking and I haven't heard from him all weekend.

So that's where we stand. Everything up in the air and I have no idea what is up.

I need a vacation.

So far 2007 isn't turning out so great

Happy Fucking New Year to Me. Seriously, if the past few weeks are any indication 2007 is going to suck ass.

New Year's Eve wasn't bad. Angie and Jenna came over and we ate junk, watched movies, had a few drinks. Pretty cool. I didn't get to see Tim...but that's a different story for a different day.

I was driving my car to the store one night and hear this THUNK THUNK THUNK CLANG noise. Then my battery light came on and my power steering refused to be powered. I knew it was the alternator belt as I've had those break on my vehicles in the past.

So long story short it was the alternator belt, as well as a pulley, and ended up costing me TWO HUNDRED BUCKS.

A week later, I came home from work to find my dog, Angel, limping and favoring her paw. She had apparently cut it and it had gotten infected. One hundred and fifty dollars to the vet, fourty of which was for a rabies shot...which I found out when I returned home that SHE HAD ALREADY GOTTEN ONE!

Then this past Tuesday, my little baby cat, Colossus was sick again. He has had problems in the past with a blocked urinary tract. I've had it fixed three times. This time they wanted to do surgery. I couldn't afford the 1000 to 1500 dollars they wanted. These people don't take payments, they want the whole amount up front. Not only that but there was no gurantee that he wouldn't have needed a second and third surgery.

So I had my baby boy put to sleep. I am so heartbroken over this and still so completely depressed over it. This cat was like my baby and a member of my family and I miss him.

Christmas 2006

My paycheck didn't come last Friday. So guess who didn't get her Christmas shopping done? Guess who didn't give anyone any gifts yet? Guess who feels like a HUGE loser?

That's right. That would be me.

If that weren't bad enough, the universe decide to stick it to me some more. Christmas night I came down with a massive toothache. I had cracked a tooth a few months ago but it decided to wait until CHRISTMAS to hurt. Go figure.

Went to the ER twice and they would NOT give me anything for pain. I suffered so much.

Finally got in to see an oral surgeon this morning. He yanked the fucker. Hours later and thanks to Tylenol 3 with codeine and this chica feels sooooooooooo much better.

Except for the abrupt way that Tim just logged off of Myspace messenger a few minutes ago. He didn't even give me a chance to say goodbye.

I know he was disappointed that I didn't come over Christmas night. I was disappointed that he didn't come here like I thought he would. But really, after my tooth started hurting I was in so much pain and I got a pain pill from my mom...that was all she wrote. I was zonked out.

Then last night...I know he wanted to see me. I wanted to see him too. I was in so much pain that it was crazy. I didn't want to see him how I was, which was curled up in a ball on my bed, holding the side of my face, crying hysterically.

This wasn't your normal, boo-hoo I am so sad crying, it was the sobbing like my heart is breaking red puffy eyes big globs of snot coming out of my nose crying. Now who would want to be with their boyfriend looking like that?? Not me.

It is still so early in our relationship that I am still at that "give your best impression" stage. At least in my mind. I know it's silly. This man has seen me naked and not run screaming for the hills for fuck's sake.

I don't know. I know he was disappointed but maybe he was mad at me for being such a baby. If he calls later or I call him I will ask.

At least in this relationship I have no problems asking him how he feels. And while I still am a little hesitant to tell him how I feel, I am getting better at it. I just want so much for this to work. I love him so much already and while it still scares me at times it makes me so very happy.

So other than all that...Christmas was good. I got a new digital camera from my mother. She knows I am starting to get into photography. I got a whole bunch of other things too, and I can't wait till I can get off these pain pills, get to driving, and give my gifts out.

Better late, then never, right?