What might have been...

I've been seeing this really wonderful guy for about a month now. His name is Tim. Things have moved so fast with him and yet I'm not scared about it.

I've always been the kind of girl that falls in love too hard too fast and end up getting burned by it. I promised myself earlier this year that I would NOT let that happen again.

But he told me he loved me first. And he means it. And strangely enough it didn't make me want to run screaming for the hills, because I love him too.

Criticize all you want. I know what I feel. I know how he feels because he tells me constantly. He and I are so much alike and have so much in common that it's scary. I can tell him anything and he doesn't make me feel stupid or that my opinion doesn't matter. He listens when I talk, he asks questions, and he just in general really pays attention to me.

So...there was the possibility looming that I was pregnant. I know some of the people who will read this will think that I just hopped in to bed to get knocked up by someone, anyone because I have always wanted to have children. That's not the case.

He was scared. He said it was too soon, that we weren't ready. Deep down I agree. He and I need more time to get to know each other...to be just with each other before we bring a baby into the picture. I tried to act like it was no big deal...that I would carry through with the pregnancy on my own if need be.

Deep down I was scared shitless that I would lose him if I was in fact pregnant. I was scared about how much my life would change and if I could, in fact, do it on my own if I had to.

My time of the month is usually pretty regular so when the time for it to start came and there was nothing...I started to panic. I couldn't tell him. I was late by three days when we were laying in bed one night and he asked me when I was due. I blew it off lightly and basically told him "oh, any time now".

For those three days I had the worst heartburn imaginable. I could barely sleep and then would suddenly crash out in exhaustion. We were in the middle of messing around the one night in bed when my heart started pounding and I couldn't breathe and I thought my heart was going to explode in my chest. I had to stop what I was doing and just lay down for a few minutes to compose myself. I think maybe it was the beginning of a panic attack.

The next day, my time of the month finally arrived. Yes I felt immensely relieved. We haven't been together that long and this would probably have ended things between us prematurely.

Yet...I was sad. I still feel sad. Tim had asked me once if I was pregnant..."are you ready to be a mother?" I told him I thought so. But this has made me realize that I am ready. I want to be a mother and start a family.

I also realized that it will wait until the time is right. But if it happens, when it happens there is no doubt that I will be ready. I just can't wait.