Well...shit. No idea for a title.

Basically I am just venting now. I just feel so lost and confused and I just want to either put my fist through a wall or go to sleep and never, ever wake up. Neither a really viable option at the moment.


I'm not upset at a specific person or event, just a number of things that have been building up inside and this is the best place for me to vent without harassing my friends. I'll probably just ramble on and on until I get it all out so if you don't want to read this I won't be upset.

I always fall too hard too fast for men. I have all this fucking love to give someone, a caring, loving worthy man, and no one wants it. No one.

What is wrong with me? If someone could please tell me what it is that makes me so unworthy of being loved, I would greatly appreciate it. Seriously. Let me know what I can do to fix it. If it can even be fixed.

Lenny and I had a nasty email fight a few days ago. It's the same old shit with him. Excuses, excuses, excuses. I'm pretty sure I am done with it this time. He was pissed off that I left him a fucking comment on his Myspace and it pretty much escalated from there. Long story short, not his direct words but what was said basically said "You're almost 30 and you're acting like a stupid child". OH well fuck 'em, right?

Work sucks. I need to find either something that pays me better or a second job to supplement my money.

The situation with D. Well. I don't even know what to say about that. I care about him, I really really do. Probably more than he does about me. I am still there in the fight, not running away. People doubt my decision, tell me I am crazy...but if you knew this man and saw the way he is...I am doing what my brain and my heart are telling me to do. If I end up hurt I have no one to blame but me.

Sometimes, though, I feel like he is looking right past me. He said from the beginning that he wanted to see other people and I said that was fine. But I also have to deal with all this jealousy I have. To think of him doing with other women what he does with me....wow. Yet I don't know whether he is or not, at least not for sure.

My imagination gets the best of me sometimes. We argued the other night...he said I was just like his ex. Yep, he compared me to The Bitch.

So not true. I never accused him of fucking anyone, but any person who looks at his Myspace can see the women that want him. I'm not the only one who has feelings for him apparently. And the fucking green eyed monster is driving me insane.

So I worry that I'm not enough to capture his interest. Or that I am not good enough to compete with the other women and I don't even know who the fuck I am competing with.

He told me tonight that he might sell his place and move to Oregon. I was on the phone with him and all I could say, was "oh, ok."

D.: "Is that all you're going to say?"
Me: What do you want me to say?

I don't want him to go. I wanted to beg him to stay. But I don't know if I am enough to get him to stay here. I don't know if I am what he is looking for or if I am what he wants.

I love him as my friend before all else. And it would really break my heart to see him go.

I can't beg him to stay because he is not my boyfriend. As much as I would want him to be, it's not at that level yet. I just don't want him to go.

I don't know what else to say right now. I think I'm going to save this before the tears come back.

Unsure and Afraid

So Tim is not doing so hot.

Last night about 9:30pm he called me from the hospital. He asked me to come meet him there because he wanted to get an evaluation. He was feeling suicidal again and instead of trying anything like he did last time he did as I asked him to do and went to the hospital. The other options I gave him were to call me or come straight over to my house.

When I got there he was staring off into space. He mumbled when he spoke to me and cried. It broke my heart to see him like that. He was so down on himself.

They finally took him back. So I played the waiting game. They called me back at around 11:30pm and it was scary.

He was like a completely different person. He was calm, lucid. He was like his normal every day self.

Long story short he was evaluated and since he seemed better they sent him home with a referral for a psychiatrist. No meds and they didn't even admit him for observation. And he was MAD that they wouldn't admit him.

I got home about a quarter to 1 in the morning, got something to eat and then went to his house to spend the night. He seemed okay this morning.

Now, depression runs in our family. I understand it. All I can do now is just pray to God for the strength to be able to help him through this and give him all the love and support that he needs and is going to need for a long time.

I'm just afraid that what I can offer will not be enough.

Relationships

Everyone goes into relationships thinking it will be easy. You date, have sex, fall in love, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after.

No one realizes how much work it is.

I love Tim. I really do. I've only been in love two other times in my life so I know or think this is the real deal.

He's got some issues. He brought it up to me about a week after we started dating. So I know what I was walking in to.

I thought it would be so easy to deal with his problem. I mean he's not an alcoholic, drug abuser and he's not physically violent. He doesn't cheat. So everything else would be a cake walk, right?

Wrong.

He tell me he loves me, that he needs me, that he needs my support and help. The other night he was really down about himself and the stuff he is facing and said a few comments that concerned me. About sometimes he thinks about slitting his throat to get away from it all.

We were supposed to go out last Saturday night. His cell phone died in the middle of our conversation and I tried his house, no answer. Left him a message. He came by my house but I had stepped out to get something to eat so I missed him. Called him that night, he got on the phone and asked if he could call me back.

I didn't hear from him until Tuesday. Then he told me that he lost his job the same day.

I want to help him but I fear bringing up his problem. I don't want to make him mad. I don't want to make him NOT love me anymore. But...the stress of this...me worrying for DAYS that he was not okay, leaving message after message pleading with him to call and just let me know he was okay and getting NO response...it hurts me.

We went out Thursday night. Made plans for last night for dinner and a movie. Made plans to go to NYC today.

He no called no showed me last night. Didn't answer my message. Phone has been busy all day.

Yes it hurts. But more importantly I am worried that he's not okay.

We need to sit down and talk about this. We both know he has a problem. We never talk about it. It's like a huge pink elephant sitting between us in the living room. We both see it, we both know it's there...but we refuse to acknowledge it to each other. Out of fear of looking stupid. Or fear of losing each other.

I love him, but the silence has got to stop.

What might have been...

I've been seeing this really wonderful guy for about a month now. His name is Tim. Things have moved so fast with him and yet I'm not scared about it.

I've always been the kind of girl that falls in love too hard too fast and end up getting burned by it. I promised myself earlier this year that I would NOT let that happen again.

But he told me he loved me first. And he means it. And strangely enough it didn't make me want to run screaming for the hills, because I love him too.

Criticize all you want. I know what I feel. I know how he feels because he tells me constantly. He and I are so much alike and have so much in common that it's scary. I can tell him anything and he doesn't make me feel stupid or that my opinion doesn't matter. He listens when I talk, he asks questions, and he just in general really pays attention to me.

So...there was the possibility looming that I was pregnant. I know some of the people who will read this will think that I just hopped in to bed to get knocked up by someone, anyone because I have always wanted to have children. That's not the case.

He was scared. He said it was too soon, that we weren't ready. Deep down I agree. He and I need more time to get to know each other...to be just with each other before we bring a baby into the picture. I tried to act like it was no big deal...that I would carry through with the pregnancy on my own if need be.

Deep down I was scared shitless that I would lose him if I was in fact pregnant. I was scared about how much my life would change and if I could, in fact, do it on my own if I had to.

My time of the month is usually pretty regular so when the time for it to start came and there was nothing...I started to panic. I couldn't tell him. I was late by three days when we were laying in bed one night and he asked me when I was due. I blew it off lightly and basically told him "oh, any time now".

For those three days I had the worst heartburn imaginable. I could barely sleep and then would suddenly crash out in exhaustion. We were in the middle of messing around the one night in bed when my heart started pounding and I couldn't breathe and I thought my heart was going to explode in my chest. I had to stop what I was doing and just lay down for a few minutes to compose myself. I think maybe it was the beginning of a panic attack.

The next day, my time of the month finally arrived. Yes I felt immensely relieved. We haven't been together that long and this would probably have ended things between us prematurely.

Yet...I was sad. I still feel sad. Tim had asked me once if I was pregnant..."are you ready to be a mother?" I told him I thought so. But this has made me realize that I am ready. I want to be a mother and start a family.

I also realized that it will wait until the time is right. But if it happens, when it happens there is no doubt that I will be ready. I just can't wait.