Hitting Me Hard

For about the past hour I've been sitting here, quietly crying. I can't seem to make myself stop.

I only cried once, the day Tim dumped me, but today for some reason it just hit me hard. I haven't loved many people in my life but I did love him. I put my heart, body, and soul into a relationship with that man for five months and he just threw it all away.

I've been feeling like crap the past few days. Self-esteem is really low at the moment and I've been on edge but I paste a smile on my face so no one can see how I really feel. The past three weeks I've slept about two or three hours a night and yet I am still functioning.

I went to Petsm@rt tonight with Jenna and Angie. I always look at the cats when I go in there even though I already have three and realistically couldn't afford to feed and take care of any more. I saw this one cat that was adorable and looked familiar. I was about to say "Oh that cat looks just like Tim's" when I saw the cat's name tag on the cage.

It was Tim's cat, Cinnamon. My heart broke. You see, when you are involved with someone you get involved with their pets, especially if you are an animal lover like me. I adored both his cats like they were my own. I would go to his house and Cinnamon and Sugar would climb in my lap and go to sleep. When I would sleep in his bed Cinnamon would curl up on the pillow next to my head and I would fall asleep to the sound of her purring all night.

So I was shocked. Angie and Jenna couldn't believe it. So we looked at the other cats and soon found Sugar.

The paperwork said he had surrendered them both. Willingly. For no reason.

I was so angry. So mad. He had raised the cats since they had been kittens. So I bent down and tapped on the glass of the cage Cinnamon was in. She looked at me and recognized me. Stood on her hind legs and scratched at the glass and meowed at me. She tried to get to me so bad. Sugar did the same thing.

I got teary eyed. Jenna got teary eyed and had to walk away. I wanted to take those baby cats home so bad but I simply do not have the room or the money to do so.

I'm so angry. He threw me away. Threw my love away. Threw his cats away.

Yet I can do nothing but sit here and cry. Because like me, those cats gave him nothing but unconditional love...and we all got thrown away like a used Kleenex.

When does it go away?

I know I brought this on myself by not getting back together with Tim, but when does the pain and the lonely feelings go away?

When do I start to feel whole again and stop doubting myself?

The worst part is sleeping alone. It never bothered me before but after being serious with someone for five months, sleeping in their bed four or five nights a week...you get used to the human contact.

You get used to having the other person curled up behind you, their arm thrown over you. You get used to them waking in the middle of the night, kissing your shoulder, whispering I love you and pulling you closer.

You get used to waking in the middle of the night and seeing that they rolled away and you roll over to them and do the same in return.

I haven't been sleeping well. I don't know if it's so much that I miss HIM but that I miss the closeness and comfort I felt having him in the bed.

When will that longing go away?

Christmas 2006

My paycheck didn't come last Friday. So guess who didn't get her Christmas shopping done? Guess who didn't give anyone any gifts yet? Guess who feels like a HUGE loser?

That's right. That would be me.

If that weren't bad enough, the universe decide to stick it to me some more. Christmas night I came down with a massive toothache. I had cracked a tooth a few months ago but it decided to wait until CHRISTMAS to hurt. Go figure.

Went to the ER twice and they would NOT give me anything for pain. I suffered so much.

Finally got in to see an oral surgeon this morning. He yanked the fucker. Hours later and thanks to Tylenol 3 with codeine and this chica feels sooooooooooo much better.

Except for the abrupt way that Tim just logged off of Myspace messenger a few minutes ago. He didn't even give me a chance to say goodbye.

I know he was disappointed that I didn't come over Christmas night. I was disappointed that he didn't come here like I thought he would. But really, after my tooth started hurting I was in so much pain and I got a pain pill from my mom...that was all she wrote. I was zonked out.

Then last night...I know he wanted to see me. I wanted to see him too. I was in so much pain that it was crazy. I didn't want to see him how I was, which was curled up in a ball on my bed, holding the side of my face, crying hysterically.

This wasn't your normal, boo-hoo I am so sad crying, it was the sobbing like my heart is breaking red puffy eyes big globs of snot coming out of my nose crying. Now who would want to be with their boyfriend looking like that?? Not me.

It is still so early in our relationship that I am still at that "give your best impression" stage. At least in my mind. I know it's silly. This man has seen me naked and not run screaming for the hills for fuck's sake.

I don't know. I know he was disappointed but maybe he was mad at me for being such a baby. If he calls later or I call him I will ask.

At least in this relationship I have no problems asking him how he feels. And while I still am a little hesitant to tell him how I feel, I am getting better at it. I just want so much for this to work. I love him so much already and while it still scares me at times it makes me so very happy.

So other than all that...Christmas was good. I got a new digital camera from my mother. She knows I am starting to get into photography. I got a whole bunch of other things too, and I can't wait till I can get off these pain pills, get to driving, and give my gifts out.

Better late, then never, right?