Untitled

So D.

He had a bit to drink last night and doesn't remember our conversation. He doesn't remember what he asked me and then his comment on it later.

He doesn't remember the argument we got into or the comment he said to me that has been in my mind all day.

He told me he's thinking of moving to Oregon.

He's serious about it. I offered to beg and plead but it seems his mind is pretty much made up.

So now...knowing he doesn't remember what was said, or the fight we had, and the fact he is pretty much dead set on moving...yeah, that cracking noise you heard was my heart.

Go figure.

Well...shit. No idea for a title.

Basically I am just venting now. I just feel so lost and confused and I just want to either put my fist through a wall or go to sleep and never, ever wake up. Neither a really viable option at the moment.


I'm not upset at a specific person or event, just a number of things that have been building up inside and this is the best place for me to vent without harassing my friends. I'll probably just ramble on and on until I get it all out so if you don't want to read this I won't be upset.

I always fall too hard too fast for men. I have all this fucking love to give someone, a caring, loving worthy man, and no one wants it. No one.

What is wrong with me? If someone could please tell me what it is that makes me so unworthy of being loved, I would greatly appreciate it. Seriously. Let me know what I can do to fix it. If it can even be fixed.

Lenny and I had a nasty email fight a few days ago. It's the same old shit with him. Excuses, excuses, excuses. I'm pretty sure I am done with it this time. He was pissed off that I left him a fucking comment on his Myspace and it pretty much escalated from there. Long story short, not his direct words but what was said basically said "You're almost 30 and you're acting like a stupid child". OH well fuck 'em, right?

Work sucks. I need to find either something that pays me better or a second job to supplement my money.

The situation with D. Well. I don't even know what to say about that. I care about him, I really really do. Probably more than he does about me. I am still there in the fight, not running away. People doubt my decision, tell me I am crazy...but if you knew this man and saw the way he is...I am doing what my brain and my heart are telling me to do. If I end up hurt I have no one to blame but me.

Sometimes, though, I feel like he is looking right past me. He said from the beginning that he wanted to see other people and I said that was fine. But I also have to deal with all this jealousy I have. To think of him doing with other women what he does with me....wow. Yet I don't know whether he is or not, at least not for sure.

My imagination gets the best of me sometimes. We argued the other night...he said I was just like his ex. Yep, he compared me to The Bitch.

So not true. I never accused him of fucking anyone, but any person who looks at his Myspace can see the women that want him. I'm not the only one who has feelings for him apparently. And the fucking green eyed monster is driving me insane.

So I worry that I'm not enough to capture his interest. Or that I am not good enough to compete with the other women and I don't even know who the fuck I am competing with.

He told me tonight that he might sell his place and move to Oregon. I was on the phone with him and all I could say, was "oh, ok."

D.: "Is that all you're going to say?"
Me: What do you want me to say?

I don't want him to go. I wanted to beg him to stay. But I don't know if I am enough to get him to stay here. I don't know if I am what he is looking for or if I am what he wants.

I love him as my friend before all else. And it would really break my heart to see him go.

I can't beg him to stay because he is not my boyfriend. As much as I would want him to be, it's not at that level yet. I just don't want him to go.

I don't know what else to say right now. I think I'm going to save this before the tears come back.

This Past Weekend AKA OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED!

Friday: D came over and he, Angie, and I went swimming. It was a really fun day until Tim called me. Basically he blew up my phone. Called twice, left two voicemails, and texted me twice.

D wanted to hear the voicemails so I played them on speaker phone. They basically said the same old usual crap. "I love you I am so sorry my life is so much better now I never meant those things I said." Blah de fucking blah. I was pissed. D told me I should call him and tell him to fuck off or he wouldn't ever leave me alone.

So I did. I was pleasant enough. People say I am too nice and maybe this was one of those occasions. I got a lot of stuff off my mind in a short time, told him I was NOT getting back together with him, and that I was seeing someone. He asked if we could still be friends and I was like, ummmm no, it would take a very long time to ever get to that level. I felt so much better.

I hung up. D looked at me and told me that I still had feelings for Tim. Ummmmm.....no. Anger. Pity. Kicking myself in the ass for letting me/making me feel like shit for six months. But no love. Not anymore. So I had to convince him. Hehehehe.

Saturday night. Angie, Jenna, and I went to D's house to hang out. Had some pizza, and some drinks, Jenna went home.

Long story short...D ended up calling Tim and threatening him on his voicemail. And then the police ended up calling me cause Tim went and filed a harassment complaint against me. It was not funny at the time but it sure as hell is funny now. The little coward left his house at 2:30 in the morning to go call the cops. Basically we were told to cease and desist all contact and whichever party contacted the other next were the ones going to jail.

I am soooooooooooo waiting for Tim to call back. ROFL

Anyway...

Things with D. Going well I think. Getting to know him. I care about him a lot. Not in love with him yet but we all know that stuff can't be rushed. He has some issues but so do I. Basically he has an ex that treats him like Tim used to treat me.

Except while I loved Tim, D is still IN love with his ex. He is a wonderful man, a loving father, and deserves so much fucking better than that Bitch. That Bitch has torn him down so much that I could just punch her in the face.

I try and try and try to tell him that he is a wonderful man. That he deserves happiness (and yes, while it killed me to say it I said whether it be with me or someone else) and deserves someone who will treat him with the respect and the love that he so deserves. He needs and deserves someone who will love him for the total package. He needs someone who will not put him down and make him feel like crap. The look on his face when he tells me things she has said or done...breaks my heart. I tell him over and over how special he is, yet sometimes I think he doesn't believe me.

I told Vicki a bit about the situation, not too many details because it's D's personal business and not my business to discuss. Just enough so she knew what I was dealing with. After I was done venting about The Bitch, she asked me "And D...is he worth it? Is he worth the waiting you'll have to do? The fighting against the walls he has built up? Is he worth the jealousy you are going to feel if he talks about his ex?"

The answer is yes. He is so worth it. I just wish I could make him see that. I care about him a lot. Would I like to see it develope into something more? Hell yeah.

But I am not going to push him or rush him into anything he is not ready for. Right now I am content to get to know the man better. To let him get to know me. Spend time with each other. One day at a time and see how things go.

I intend to make him see that he IS worth it. He IS worth the fight. I intend to make him see that he can't push me away and that I will NOT give up on him.

He'll see that I am quite persistent when I set my mind on something that I want.

My Dating Resume

Name: Jenn (future wife/sex slave of viable applicant in response to this post!) Age: 29
Height: 6'1"
Eyes: Hazel, of the greenish brown variety
Hair: Long, straight, and currently dyed a light brown
Weight: Not telling.
Gender: Female.
Sexuality: Straight for everyone but Angelina
Religion: Non practicing Catholic
Political Affiliation: None, I don't vote
Occupation: I steam and bag fabric that they make Pl@ytex Eighteen H0ur Br@s from. Not my dream job but right now it pays the bills.

Educational Background: Graduated May 31, 1996. No college, YET, due to finances, etc. Besides, school bored me.

Most Notably Supports: Gay Marriage. Arts. Music.

I.Q.: No damn idea.

Diseases, Disabilities, and Neuroses: Wow. Ummm. okay, it's a list. Factor V Leiden Mutation, thyroid disease, damage to heart and lungs from blood clots. I have a nifty titanium thing implanted in my vena cava where it sits right behind my navel or so to catch blood clots. Umm. I used to have high cholesterol but I'm on a diet so it went down. Most of the disabilities I had due to a mild stroke are gone....well sometimes I have shaky balance and sometimes some memory problems (brain farts) but so far I am doing pretty good. As for Neuroses....well I can be pretty anal about some things. And I have mild OCD I think, though it's never been diagnosed. Hehehe.

Sexual History: That is something that I actually prefer to be a one on one conversation. I will say this. I have a very active imagination and I intend to put it to VERY good use.

Social Habits: Don't smoke. Drink on occasion but have never been a hard core drunk. I like to flirt excessively. Never did drugs either. I am not a bar hopping person but I am not opposed to going to a bar to sit and watch a band and have a drink or two.

Special Skills: Really good at making mix CDs, and matching paint colors. I would kick ass at Name that Tune. I have the wonderful ability of being able to give all my friends advice with their life problems and the complete inability to figure out my own. I make pretty nice jewelry and paint pretty jewelry boxes and flower pots.

Fetishes: Pirates. Basically I think it's the whole aggressive pillage and plunder and passion thing. I want a man who will just throw me down and go for it if the mood strikes him. I want someone who will take my breath away.

Possible Cons: I cuss like a sailor. I can be a bit disorganized. Hate doing dishes. Sometimes I let things from the past cloud my judgement. I'm late 70% the time when I am trying to get somewhere. Perverted sense of humor that some find offensive

Enjoys: Reading, painting, listening to music, burning CDs, chatting on the net, researching things for stories I write....Long Island Iced Teas....flirting......tending the flowers in the garden...watching Wrestlin'.

Dislikes: Racism, homophobia, narrow-mindedness in all forms, violence, cruelty to animals. Stupid people....stupid as in no common sense or rude, nasty individuals.

Men Who Find All These Things Okay: Must be at least 5'9". I'm 6'1" and want someone at least close to where I am. I will happily send you off to have fun with your men OR FEMALE friends as long as you are coming home to me! I expect the same courtesies returned. You must not like either the Boston Red Sox or New England Patriots. You must be able and willing to do the dishes. You must adore going to the movies and cuddling in the couch

I have a soft spot the size of the Grand Canyon for quirky sort of romantic gestures. And I LOVE flowers, all kinds, even daisies.

I love, love, LOVE horror movies. I love watching them, reading about them, talking about them. Extreme gore and violence does not bother me in the least, for I am no delicate little hothouse flower.

And you should never attempt to separate applicant from her love of the following television shows: WRESTLING baby!!, American Idol, The Apprentice, ER. One Tree Hill. Gilmore Girls. America's Next Top Model.

Finally, you should be chivalrous, be spontaneous. I do not take well to force. I have a very active imagination but have never been able to express it!

References: I still speak to four of my ex-boyfriends and am even quite friendly with two of them. They're on my Myspace friends list and if you can figure out which ones they are, feel free to contact them.

Applicant is opinionated, occasionally bitchy, intelligent, accomplished and somewhat attractive (but needs to be assured of this on occasion because her self esteem is in the crapper). She does not need to get her way all the time. She's supremely patient, very accommodating, but still a spirited specimen of a female. She loves to flirt. She has a creative side which can sometimes be considered weird at times.

But she can be hurt, she has been hurt (quite badly). And she's going to be suspicious of you at first. She's going to think you're nuts to want her, and she'll openly doubt your motives. You'll have to work for this one, but understand - it's what she wants. She's just afraid.

So be careful, but this one's worth it. Really.

Barriers

I came across this quote. It means a lot to me.

Rumi:
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

I've got barriers built up inside me. A lot of layers of different emotions that I have put up to protect myself. Yet I keep getting hurt. Every time I let someone in and pull down the walls I regret it.

The loneliness is back, that much is clear. It's rearing it's ugly head at night. It's hard for me to sleep. I have so much love to give to someone and no one to give it to. I am 29, ready to be married and settled down, and yet either no one is willing or something goes wrong.

There were so many issues with Tim. My self esteem is still in the dumps over that one. I try so hard to tell myself that it was all him and just me but that little voice inside my head tells me there is no way it was ALL him.

It's almost 2am and I have to get up for work at 4am. Go figure.

I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

You have got to be kidding me, right?

I haven't talked to Tim in three weeks. Last night he text messaged me.

"Txt me i luv u i want to see u tngt u have not spoke to me lately are u mad at me"

Are you mad at me? You have got to be fucking kidding me. My jaw hit the floor on that.

So he thinks I should be happy that he basically called me a Godless whore? That he insulted me and our relationship together by saying that all I was into was sex and that having sex with me was a "sin" that he had to "ask God for forgiveness for"?

Oh hell no. I am not going through that again.

He must think I am either really stupid or really desperate. To think that I would just forget the past month, forget his comments, and just forgive him like that and go running back to his sorry ass.

I don't think so.

But damn, does he have some major balls to even text me that. To even assume that.

Hitting Me Hard

For about the past hour I've been sitting here, quietly crying. I can't seem to make myself stop.

I only cried once, the day Tim dumped me, but today for some reason it just hit me hard. I haven't loved many people in my life but I did love him. I put my heart, body, and soul into a relationship with that man for five months and he just threw it all away.

I've been feeling like crap the past few days. Self-esteem is really low at the moment and I've been on edge but I paste a smile on my face so no one can see how I really feel. The past three weeks I've slept about two or three hours a night and yet I am still functioning.

I went to Petsm@rt tonight with Jenna and Angie. I always look at the cats when I go in there even though I already have three and realistically couldn't afford to feed and take care of any more. I saw this one cat that was adorable and looked familiar. I was about to say "Oh that cat looks just like Tim's" when I saw the cat's name tag on the cage.

It was Tim's cat, Cinnamon. My heart broke. You see, when you are involved with someone you get involved with their pets, especially if you are an animal lover like me. I adored both his cats like they were my own. I would go to his house and Cinnamon and Sugar would climb in my lap and go to sleep. When I would sleep in his bed Cinnamon would curl up on the pillow next to my head and I would fall asleep to the sound of her purring all night.

So I was shocked. Angie and Jenna couldn't believe it. So we looked at the other cats and soon found Sugar.

The paperwork said he had surrendered them both. Willingly. For no reason.

I was so angry. So mad. He had raised the cats since they had been kittens. So I bent down and tapped on the glass of the cage Cinnamon was in. She looked at me and recognized me. Stood on her hind legs and scratched at the glass and meowed at me. She tried to get to me so bad. Sugar did the same thing.

I got teary eyed. Jenna got teary eyed and had to walk away. I wanted to take those baby cats home so bad but I simply do not have the room or the money to do so.

I'm so angry. He threw me away. Threw my love away. Threw his cats away.

Yet I can do nothing but sit here and cry. Because like me, those cats gave him nothing but unconditional love...and we all got thrown away like a used Kleenex.

Trying To Make Sense of it All Part 2

Seven hours later I got this text message:

"All I want to be is friends nothing else this is my decision".

I didn't respond to that one either. I just left it. I was worn out, worn down and didn't want to care. I did care but it was easier to be mad.

April 3rd rolled around and I got a text that night. "Jenn call me or txt me please." Umm, no thanks, I don't want any of what you are selling.

The next day he called my cell. Three times. Three long voice messages. Apologizing for everything he had said and begging me for forgiveness. He told me how much he loved me and missed me. He told me how sorry he was. He told me how he wanted to marry me and have children with me and be together forever.

I didn't answer the phone. I didn't call him back. He in essence called me a whore who had no God in her life, told me he didn't like my tattoos, and that I should be trying to better myself...but I was supposed to forgive him just like that??

This past Saturday I tried to call him but his phone was off. So I texted him. He replied with " I luv u do u luv me i miss u". Sweet right?

So I texted back with "Yes I love you and maybe we can work things out."

His response: "Can u come over tnt i want to have sex with u and make up."
Me: I can't, my cousin is visiting from out of town for the Easter holiday. And you need to realize how much you hurt me.
Him: When can we have sex again

Picture me sitting here in bed, talking to Angie, getting that text and just sitting here blinking dumbfoundedly at the phone. WHAT THE HELL? No, "I'm sorry I hurt you". No, "I'm sorry I said all YOU were into is sex".

I responded. Easter Sunday morning. "Is that all you want? Just sex?"

Tim: No I want a serious relationship with some sex.

I haven't bothered to respond. He crushed my self esteem into the dirt. He made me feel like a whore. He made me feel like my tattoos were nasty. He made me feel like I am below him and I should be bettering myself to be on his elevated level.

Yet the best he comes up with is "WHEN CAN WE HAVE SEX AGAIN?"

I should have responded with "A cold day in hell motherfucker."

So what to do...meet him and try to work it out? Take him back?

Or pursue this possible other opportunity that has popped up with an ex from 11 years ago who will always hold a piece of my heart no matter what?

I'm thinking stay single for a while. If the 11 year ex and I DO get back together...which might or might not happen...I don't want to use him as a rebound guy.

I just can't get over the fact that a 30 going on 31 year old Momma's boy who has a gambling addiction, who hasn't been to church in over five months, who likes sex just as much as I do...is sitting back, passing judgement on me, dumping me three times for various crap...and he acts like he is better than me. WTF?

Then asks me to come over so we can have sex and make up.

Pfft.

Trying To Make Sense of it All...Part 1

I didn't want to write about what happened because I have been trying to make sense of it all in my head. I can't get it straight. I don't know what to do. I know how I feel...hurt, worthless, angry, like dirt. It is amazing to me how when you love someone and they love you back how easy the words that they say can build you up or tear you down.

Or rip you to shreds.

Tim and I got back together. We were going to try to work things out. I went to his house on March 31st. We had a great night together (not getting into details, but it was nice). I got up early Sunday morning, April 1st, to come home and get the house straightened up. It was Wrestlemania day and he was going to come over with a bunch of my friends so I wanted to straighten up. I woke him, gave him a kiss, told him I was leaving.

Five minutes down the road from his house my cell phone rang and he asked why I had left. He asked me to come back to bed. So of course you know what happened when I went back. Good sex, great sex. So afterwards we get up, get dressed, he starts cleaning up stuff around his house. He tells me he still has a lot to do so "Why don't you leave and I will see you later?" I got a hug, a kiss, and an I love you and I was out the door.

Called my friend Vicki so I would have someone to talk to on the drive home. 10 minutes after I left his house I get a text message asking me to pick up some condoms. LOL I was like ok, but since I was on the phone I couldn't reply. Fourteen minutes later I get this hellish text message that just killed me.

To quote: "All u r into is sex u don't have god in ur life and u have a tattoo that resembles a devil and u r not trying to better urself i need someone who is and u r not that person i think the best thing is 4 us to break up n be friends."

I had Vicki on speaker phone and was just screaming, what the hell, what the fuck, what is this, where is this coming from?!? She tried to calm me down but it wasn't working. We got off the phone and I texted him, questioned him where this was coming from all of a sudden. No response. Then the coward turned his phone off because you can better believe I tried to call him.

I was pulled over at a gas station at this point. I just sat there and started bawling. What was so wrong with me that I had to "better myself"? How could he possibly think that "all I was into was sex?" I sat there crying and second guessing myself and every second of our relationship.

So I did what any woman does. I called my best friends and luckily Jenna and Angie (they are local my other friends are scattered across the country) met me at the gas station. I read them the texts and Angie started talking about going and kicking his ass, which made me crack up. The more I talked the less I cried and the more angry I felt. My self esteem was in the toilet.

I couldn't go home looking all cried out and upset because then I would have been questioned and I didn't want to get into it anymore. We drove around, looked at cars and shit and basically gave me a chance to suck it up and pull it together.

Then two hours later I got another text. Again, quoting it: "i'm not committing any more sin w u ive asked god 4 forgiveness".

Are you shitting me here? I busted up laughing at that one. This coming from a man in the entire almost five months we had been together hadn't stepped foot in a church ONCE! I didn't even bother to respond. I was done. Wore out, wrung out, feeling like some kind of dirty whore and sinner. Angry that I had given more and more of myself to him and got nothing back in return.

So we started the jokes, calling ourselves dirty whores and Godless sinners because dammit if I didn't laugh about it all I was going to do was cry. We hung out all day, I talked to a couple more of my girlfriends and even one of my ex-boyfriends (we stayed friends) and I just tried to pick up the pieces.

Seven hours later, I got another text.

Part 2 coming later...

So that update I mentioned......

I mentioned an update so here goes:

Tim had his ER visit the 10th. On the 12th he decided we needed to talk. He told me he was moving back in with his parent to get his life together. I was happy about that because I honestly think he needs a 24 hour support system and we haven't been together long enough for me to be that for them. They also gave him an ultimatum.

That's right. Break up with me. Just be friends. They want him to focus on his recovery and his issues and get himself well again. So I cried and let him go. I mean I couldn't very well deny him the help and time he needed just so I could stay happy.

The 16th rolls around and he calls me and asks me to meet him so we can talk. So I do. He asked me repeatedly if I was okay and told me I looked tired. Well gee, just perks a girl right up to hear that. What was I supposed to look, happy and well rested after he just dumped me? He asked me to go to his meetings with him (no, not an alcoholic or drug addict, he has other issues) and I agreed. Then he asked me to go to church with him.

Now I am not a traditional church goer. It does nothing for me. I asked him why and he says "I think it would help change my mother's opinion of you." Apparently the woman who has met me ONE TIME and saw me for like five minute two other times thinks I am going to be like his ex-girlfriend and verbally and emotionally abuse. And take all his money.

I refuse to change myself to make someone else happy. I am me, take it or leave it. If she thinks I am some big monster so be it. Both she and her son need to grow up and stop putting me in the same category as his EX-bitch. I am tired of paying for her mistakes.

He could tell I was mad, I mean, wouldn't you be? So we kind of left it at that. He came over to the house later that night, wanting to go to the movies, but Angie was here and I just wasn't going to dump my friend for him. Fuck that. So he invited her along. The night went well.

Then the 21st came along. He calls me at 10:15 at night and asks me to come over so we can talk. Angie was over that night too and I said maybe after she left. He could tell I was still angry with him and he sounded disappointed. In the end, I ended up not going.

So he showed up at my house the next day, asked me to go out. We went to a little store near here to get something to drink and sit and chat. He apologized to me for the whole breakup saga. Basically said that he keeps piling on all this crap on his mother and she in turn puts all this pressure on him. Asked me if I was still interested in him, of course I said yes I love the boy, so we agreed to try it again. Go slowly, take our time, build back up to the level we had been at.

So that brings us to the day after that which was Friday. We were supposed to go to the movies. He called while I was in the shower and left some vague message. Anyway, ended up not meeting up with him and not talking and I haven't heard from him all weekend.

So that's where we stand. Everything up in the air and I have no idea what is up.

I need a vacation.

Unsure and Afraid

So Tim is not doing so hot.

Last night about 9:30pm he called me from the hospital. He asked me to come meet him there because he wanted to get an evaluation. He was feeling suicidal again and instead of trying anything like he did last time he did as I asked him to do and went to the hospital. The other options I gave him were to call me or come straight over to my house.

When I got there he was staring off into space. He mumbled when he spoke to me and cried. It broke my heart to see him like that. He was so down on himself.

They finally took him back. So I played the waiting game. They called me back at around 11:30pm and it was scary.

He was like a completely different person. He was calm, lucid. He was like his normal every day self.

Long story short he was evaluated and since he seemed better they sent him home with a referral for a psychiatrist. No meds and they didn't even admit him for observation. And he was MAD that they wouldn't admit him.

I got home about a quarter to 1 in the morning, got something to eat and then went to his house to spend the night. He seemed okay this morning.

Now, depression runs in our family. I understand it. All I can do now is just pray to God for the strength to be able to help him through this and give him all the love and support that he needs and is going to need for a long time.

I'm just afraid that what I can offer will not be enough.

Hard Work

This relationship stuff is hard. I know I said it before but I don't know how many times I can stress that point because it's so true.

I finally pinned Tim down to talk to me. He asked me to come over last night and we were laying in bed. Kind of a weird time to talk but I could tell he was upset. So I just pulled him close and told him to talk to me.

So he did. I didn't realize how bad things have gotten with him. He has sunk into this major depression. He found out his ex-girlfriend found out she was pregnant after they broke up and aborted his baby without even telling him about it. He has no confidence in himself anymore. He has lost all positive thoughts for his life.

He tried to kill himself last week. I didn't even know.

I started feeling like a failure. Like I am not holding up my end of this relationship. I mean, he felt that depressed about his life and things that are going on that he'd rather kill himself then talk to me.

Those who know me really well know how hard it is for me to express my feelings to people. But I did it. I told him. I finally got it all out. My worry for him. My hopes for us as a couple. I cried when I told him that all I want is for him not to push me away and to come to me when he is feeling depressed. I told him to call me immediately or just come over to my house, no invitation needed.

He is supposed to see his a psychiatrist on Monday. He wants to get on some medication in addition to talking to someone. I think it's a good idea.

He told me the only bright thing in this dark tunnel for him is me and that he loves me.

We finally talked and broke the silence. Now we can move on to getting him better (I hope!!) and just loving each other.

Relationships

Everyone goes into relationships thinking it will be easy. You date, have sex, fall in love, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after.

No one realizes how much work it is.

I love Tim. I really do. I've only been in love two other times in my life so I know or think this is the real deal.

He's got some issues. He brought it up to me about a week after we started dating. So I know what I was walking in to.

I thought it would be so easy to deal with his problem. I mean he's not an alcoholic, drug abuser and he's not physically violent. He doesn't cheat. So everything else would be a cake walk, right?

Wrong.

He tell me he loves me, that he needs me, that he needs my support and help. The other night he was really down about himself and the stuff he is facing and said a few comments that concerned me. About sometimes he thinks about slitting his throat to get away from it all.

We were supposed to go out last Saturday night. His cell phone died in the middle of our conversation and I tried his house, no answer. Left him a message. He came by my house but I had stepped out to get something to eat so I missed him. Called him that night, he got on the phone and asked if he could call me back.

I didn't hear from him until Tuesday. Then he told me that he lost his job the same day.

I want to help him but I fear bringing up his problem. I don't want to make him mad. I don't want to make him NOT love me anymore. But...the stress of this...me worrying for DAYS that he was not okay, leaving message after message pleading with him to call and just let me know he was okay and getting NO response...it hurts me.

We went out Thursday night. Made plans for last night for dinner and a movie. Made plans to go to NYC today.

He no called no showed me last night. Didn't answer my message. Phone has been busy all day.

Yes it hurts. But more importantly I am worried that he's not okay.

We need to sit down and talk about this. We both know he has a problem. We never talk about it. It's like a huge pink elephant sitting between us in the living room. We both see it, we both know it's there...but we refuse to acknowledge it to each other. Out of fear of looking stupid. Or fear of losing each other.

I love him, but the silence has got to stop.

So now that I'm 29...

I feel old. Really old. I'm thinking it was those two years that I had three visits in the hospital, catching up with me. Or maybe is was the stroke.

I feel so tired and have no idea why. Nothing is really stressing me right now that I can tell. Maybe my subconcious is fighting with itself. Who knows?

I do know that next year, for my 30th, I am going on a trip. Where, I don't know. Who with, whoever wants to come. I just want to get away and celebrate BIG. For a while there a bunch of my doctors (and I have had 7 at one time) thought that I might not have made it.

So instead of New Year's Resolutions, I have resolutions for this year. Things to Change Before I Turn 30.

1. Go back on the weight loss program I started before and that actually worked. My Dream Goal is to lose 100 pounds by 30 years old. To be realistic I will settle for 75. (Yes, I am a big girl for those who don't know.) I lost over 40 pounds before so I know I can do it.
2. Try not to dwell on the stupid things. Be happy I am alive and have someone who loves me.
3. Curse less. Fuckity fucking fuck, and all that.
4. Get a new job with benefits ASAP so I can get back on all the pills I am supposed to be taking. It's a miracle I haven't landed in the hospital again. I thank God, Allah, whoever happens to be up there for that.
5. Get out of my negative mindset. I always think the worse and it has been shown to me that it can be a detrimental way of thinking.

So basically I want to be a happier, HEALTHIER person. I don't think any of the things I listed will be too hard for me to accomplish. I'm sure there are more I can think of too, so I might add back to this entry later.

Ya'll have a peachy day.

Christmas 2006

My paycheck didn't come last Friday. So guess who didn't get her Christmas shopping done? Guess who didn't give anyone any gifts yet? Guess who feels like a HUGE loser?

That's right. That would be me.

If that weren't bad enough, the universe decide to stick it to me some more. Christmas night I came down with a massive toothache. I had cracked a tooth a few months ago but it decided to wait until CHRISTMAS to hurt. Go figure.

Went to the ER twice and they would NOT give me anything for pain. I suffered so much.

Finally got in to see an oral surgeon this morning. He yanked the fucker. Hours later and thanks to Tylenol 3 with codeine and this chica feels sooooooooooo much better.

Except for the abrupt way that Tim just logged off of Myspace messenger a few minutes ago. He didn't even give me a chance to say goodbye.

I know he was disappointed that I didn't come over Christmas night. I was disappointed that he didn't come here like I thought he would. But really, after my tooth started hurting I was in so much pain and I got a pain pill from my mom...that was all she wrote. I was zonked out.

Then last night...I know he wanted to see me. I wanted to see him too. I was in so much pain that it was crazy. I didn't want to see him how I was, which was curled up in a ball on my bed, holding the side of my face, crying hysterically.

This wasn't your normal, boo-hoo I am so sad crying, it was the sobbing like my heart is breaking red puffy eyes big globs of snot coming out of my nose crying. Now who would want to be with their boyfriend looking like that?? Not me.

It is still so early in our relationship that I am still at that "give your best impression" stage. At least in my mind. I know it's silly. This man has seen me naked and not run screaming for the hills for fuck's sake.

I don't know. I know he was disappointed but maybe he was mad at me for being such a baby. If he calls later or I call him I will ask.

At least in this relationship I have no problems asking him how he feels. And while I still am a little hesitant to tell him how I feel, I am getting better at it. I just want so much for this to work. I love him so much already and while it still scares me at times it makes me so very happy.

So other than all that...Christmas was good. I got a new digital camera from my mother. She knows I am starting to get into photography. I got a whole bunch of other things too, and I can't wait till I can get off these pain pills, get to driving, and give my gifts out.

Better late, then never, right?

Yes, I love him too.

I spent the night at Tim's last night. It may seem odd to some people but I find that I actually sleep better when I am laying next to him with his arm thrown over me.

We talked about a lot of things. How he would love for me to have a job that I actually like. (ME TOO!) How he plans on writing a book, and the topic is something I can relate to. He supports me in my dreams as much as I support him.

He told me he loves me. He tells me that all the time but last night...he seemed so adamant about it. He told me he loves me more than he can express in words. He told me that I am the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. He told me that he's so happy when he's with me and so lonely when I'm gone.

All I could do was lay teary eyed in his arms and nod my head. Because I feel exactly the same way.

I know he's telling me the truth and speaking from his heart. I can hear it in his voice, see it in his eyes, feel it when he holds me.

Yet the ghosts of relationships past whisper in my ear. "You've heard that all before...and it was all lies," is what the evil little voice tells me. So that little shred of doubt remains.

He knows it's there. I know that it probably makes him angry. Yet I explained to him that it has nothing to do with him, that it has to do with the past, and he understands. He reassures me constantly that we are okay and that he loves me. I know it has to frustrate him to know that the doubt lives there in my mind.

The doubt, however, is long gone from my heart.

Today was a good day.

Work was not too bad today. Since we stopped the mandatory overtime I am able to take a nap when I get home and I think it's helping me not feel so run down.

Talked to Tim multiple times on the phone and then we went out to dinner. It was so nice being with him and being able to talk to him. I mean I spend a ton of time at his house, watching TV, talking, sleeping and umm...well you get the idea. ;) But it was nice to be out and about town with him. Tomorrow he wants to go to the movies.

Some people may say it's boring but I am content. Perfectly happy. I love him.

He was talking about his plans for the future (getting his LCSW license, starting a private practice, etc.) and I love hearing him talk about it. He has goals. He wants to do things with his life. Hearing him talk makes me want to do things. Makes me want to plan, to do more than what I am doing now.

He loves me for who I am and yet he makes me want to be a better person. That's not meant in a negative way at all. I guess I mean that he makes me want to push myself further...makes me want to realize goals...makes me dream about things I want to do and accomplish.

He inspires me and I love him for it.

So all in all today was a very good day.

What might have been...

I've been seeing this really wonderful guy for about a month now. His name is Tim. Things have moved so fast with him and yet I'm not scared about it.

I've always been the kind of girl that falls in love too hard too fast and end up getting burned by it. I promised myself earlier this year that I would NOT let that happen again.

But he told me he loved me first. And he means it. And strangely enough it didn't make me want to run screaming for the hills, because I love him too.

Criticize all you want. I know what I feel. I know how he feels because he tells me constantly. He and I are so much alike and have so much in common that it's scary. I can tell him anything and he doesn't make me feel stupid or that my opinion doesn't matter. He listens when I talk, he asks questions, and he just in general really pays attention to me.

So...there was the possibility looming that I was pregnant. I know some of the people who will read this will think that I just hopped in to bed to get knocked up by someone, anyone because I have always wanted to have children. That's not the case.

He was scared. He said it was too soon, that we weren't ready. Deep down I agree. He and I need more time to get to know each other...to be just with each other before we bring a baby into the picture. I tried to act like it was no big deal...that I would carry through with the pregnancy on my own if need be.

Deep down I was scared shitless that I would lose him if I was in fact pregnant. I was scared about how much my life would change and if I could, in fact, do it on my own if I had to.

My time of the month is usually pretty regular so when the time for it to start came and there was nothing...I started to panic. I couldn't tell him. I was late by three days when we were laying in bed one night and he asked me when I was due. I blew it off lightly and basically told him "oh, any time now".

For those three days I had the worst heartburn imaginable. I could barely sleep and then would suddenly crash out in exhaustion. We were in the middle of messing around the one night in bed when my heart started pounding and I couldn't breathe and I thought my heart was going to explode in my chest. I had to stop what I was doing and just lay down for a few minutes to compose myself. I think maybe it was the beginning of a panic attack.

The next day, my time of the month finally arrived. Yes I felt immensely relieved. We haven't been together that long and this would probably have ended things between us prematurely.

Yet...I was sad. I still feel sad. Tim had asked me once if I was pregnant..."are you ready to be a mother?" I told him I thought so. But this has made me realize that I am ready. I want to be a mother and start a family.

I also realized that it will wait until the time is right. But if it happens, when it happens there is no doubt that I will be ready. I just can't wait.