Hitting Me Hard

For about the past hour I've been sitting here, quietly crying. I can't seem to make myself stop.

I only cried once, the day Tim dumped me, but today for some reason it just hit me hard. I haven't loved many people in my life but I did love him. I put my heart, body, and soul into a relationship with that man for five months and he just threw it all away.

I've been feeling like crap the past few days. Self-esteem is really low at the moment and I've been on edge but I paste a smile on my face so no one can see how I really feel. The past three weeks I've slept about two or three hours a night and yet I am still functioning.

I went to Petsm@rt tonight with Jenna and Angie. I always look at the cats when I go in there even though I already have three and realistically couldn't afford to feed and take care of any more. I saw this one cat that was adorable and looked familiar. I was about to say "Oh that cat looks just like Tim's" when I saw the cat's name tag on the cage.

It was Tim's cat, Cinnamon. My heart broke. You see, when you are involved with someone you get involved with their pets, especially if you are an animal lover like me. I adored both his cats like they were my own. I would go to his house and Cinnamon and Sugar would climb in my lap and go to sleep. When I would sleep in his bed Cinnamon would curl up on the pillow next to my head and I would fall asleep to the sound of her purring all night.

So I was shocked. Angie and Jenna couldn't believe it. So we looked at the other cats and soon found Sugar.

The paperwork said he had surrendered them both. Willingly. For no reason.

I was so angry. So mad. He had raised the cats since they had been kittens. So I bent down and tapped on the glass of the cage Cinnamon was in. She looked at me and recognized me. Stood on her hind legs and scratched at the glass and meowed at me. She tried to get to me so bad. Sugar did the same thing.

I got teary eyed. Jenna got teary eyed and had to walk away. I wanted to take those baby cats home so bad but I simply do not have the room or the money to do so.

I'm so angry. He threw me away. Threw my love away. Threw his cats away.

Yet I can do nothing but sit here and cry. Because like me, those cats gave him nothing but unconditional love...and we all got thrown away like a used Kleenex.

So far 2007 isn't turning out so great

Happy Fucking New Year to Me. Seriously, if the past few weeks are any indication 2007 is going to suck ass.

New Year's Eve wasn't bad. Angie and Jenna came over and we ate junk, watched movies, had a few drinks. Pretty cool. I didn't get to see Tim...but that's a different story for a different day.

I was driving my car to the store one night and hear this THUNK THUNK THUNK CLANG noise. Then my battery light came on and my power steering refused to be powered. I knew it was the alternator belt as I've had those break on my vehicles in the past.

So long story short it was the alternator belt, as well as a pulley, and ended up costing me TWO HUNDRED BUCKS.

A week later, I came home from work to find my dog, Angel, limping and favoring her paw. She had apparently cut it and it had gotten infected. One hundred and fifty dollars to the vet, fourty of which was for a rabies shot...which I found out when I returned home that SHE HAD ALREADY GOTTEN ONE!

Then this past Tuesday, my little baby cat, Colossus was sick again. He has had problems in the past with a blocked urinary tract. I've had it fixed three times. This time they wanted to do surgery. I couldn't afford the 1000 to 1500 dollars they wanted. These people don't take payments, they want the whole amount up front. Not only that but there was no gurantee that he wouldn't have needed a second and third surgery.

So I had my baby boy put to sleep. I am so heartbroken over this and still so completely depressed over it. This cat was like my baby and a member of my family and I miss him.