Self Therapy

I was sitting and watching a movie today and I started thinking about myself. It's not often that I really take the time to think about ME. I'm usually so worried about pleasing every one else that I lose sight of myself and what I want and need.

One of the things that I puzzled over was why am I not good enough? As in guys. Why am I not good enough for a relationship? Why can I never find anyone who thinks I am worth fighting for or worth keeping around? Is it true that the men in my life had thought that or it was something just in my own head?

This isn't even about one specific guy. I was just wondering what is wrong with me that makes a guy either A) unwilling to commit, B) willing to commit for a short time and then turn crazy on me, C) not willing to fight for me.

And part of it is in my head. I've come to the conclusion that I always think I am not good enough because of my father. All because he decided that the family he had wasn't good enough so he had to leave and make a new one. It's been 11 years and it's still affecting me.

I was 18 when he left so I really have no illusions that my mom drove him away or something. He made the choice to fuck around on her. He made the choice to leave her, marry his whore, and have a child. It had nothing to do with me at all.

Yet I can't get it out of my mind...how can any man find me good enough...worthy enough...to commit to and stay with if my own father didn't want to stay around?

So I had my little bit of therapy today and hope that tomorrow will be better. I'm going to try to stay positive and take it all one day at a time. It's all I can do.

Barriers

I came across this quote. It means a lot to me.

Rumi:
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

I've got barriers built up inside me. A lot of layers of different emotions that I have put up to protect myself. Yet I keep getting hurt. Every time I let someone in and pull down the walls I regret it.

The loneliness is back, that much is clear. It's rearing it's ugly head at night. It's hard for me to sleep. I have so much love to give to someone and no one to give it to. I am 29, ready to be married and settled down, and yet either no one is willing or something goes wrong.

There were so many issues with Tim. My self esteem is still in the dumps over that one. I try so hard to tell myself that it was all him and just me but that little voice inside my head tells me there is no way it was ALL him.

It's almost 2am and I have to get up for work at 4am. Go figure.

I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

Yes, I love him too.

I spent the night at Tim's last night. It may seem odd to some people but I find that I actually sleep better when I am laying next to him with his arm thrown over me.

We talked about a lot of things. How he would love for me to have a job that I actually like. (ME TOO!) How he plans on writing a book, and the topic is something I can relate to. He supports me in my dreams as much as I support him.

He told me he loves me. He tells me that all the time but last night...he seemed so adamant about it. He told me he loves me more than he can express in words. He told me that I am the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. He told me that he's so happy when he's with me and so lonely when I'm gone.

All I could do was lay teary eyed in his arms and nod my head. Because I feel exactly the same way.

I know he's telling me the truth and speaking from his heart. I can hear it in his voice, see it in his eyes, feel it when he holds me.

Yet the ghosts of relationships past whisper in my ear. "You've heard that all before...and it was all lies," is what the evil little voice tells me. So that little shred of doubt remains.

He knows it's there. I know that it probably makes him angry. Yet I explained to him that it has nothing to do with him, that it has to do with the past, and he understands. He reassures me constantly that we are okay and that he loves me. I know it has to frustrate him to know that the doubt lives there in my mind.

The doubt, however, is long gone from my heart.

What might have been...

I've been seeing this really wonderful guy for about a month now. His name is Tim. Things have moved so fast with him and yet I'm not scared about it.

I've always been the kind of girl that falls in love too hard too fast and end up getting burned by it. I promised myself earlier this year that I would NOT let that happen again.

But he told me he loved me first. And he means it. And strangely enough it didn't make me want to run screaming for the hills, because I love him too.

Criticize all you want. I know what I feel. I know how he feels because he tells me constantly. He and I are so much alike and have so much in common that it's scary. I can tell him anything and he doesn't make me feel stupid or that my opinion doesn't matter. He listens when I talk, he asks questions, and he just in general really pays attention to me.

So...there was the possibility looming that I was pregnant. I know some of the people who will read this will think that I just hopped in to bed to get knocked up by someone, anyone because I have always wanted to have children. That's not the case.

He was scared. He said it was too soon, that we weren't ready. Deep down I agree. He and I need more time to get to know each other...to be just with each other before we bring a baby into the picture. I tried to act like it was no big deal...that I would carry through with the pregnancy on my own if need be.

Deep down I was scared shitless that I would lose him if I was in fact pregnant. I was scared about how much my life would change and if I could, in fact, do it on my own if I had to.

My time of the month is usually pretty regular so when the time for it to start came and there was nothing...I started to panic. I couldn't tell him. I was late by three days when we were laying in bed one night and he asked me when I was due. I blew it off lightly and basically told him "oh, any time now".

For those three days I had the worst heartburn imaginable. I could barely sleep and then would suddenly crash out in exhaustion. We were in the middle of messing around the one night in bed when my heart started pounding and I couldn't breathe and I thought my heart was going to explode in my chest. I had to stop what I was doing and just lay down for a few minutes to compose myself. I think maybe it was the beginning of a panic attack.

The next day, my time of the month finally arrived. Yes I felt immensely relieved. We haven't been together that long and this would probably have ended things between us prematurely.

Yet...I was sad. I still feel sad. Tim had asked me once if I was pregnant..."are you ready to be a mother?" I told him I thought so. But this has made me realize that I am ready. I want to be a mother and start a family.

I also realized that it will wait until the time is right. But if it happens, when it happens there is no doubt that I will be ready. I just can't wait.