Self Therapy

I was sitting and watching a movie today and I started thinking about myself. It's not often that I really take the time to think about ME. I'm usually so worried about pleasing every one else that I lose sight of myself and what I want and need.

One of the things that I puzzled over was why am I not good enough? As in guys. Why am I not good enough for a relationship? Why can I never find anyone who thinks I am worth fighting for or worth keeping around? Is it true that the men in my life had thought that or it was something just in my own head?

This isn't even about one specific guy. I was just wondering what is wrong with me that makes a guy either A) unwilling to commit, B) willing to commit for a short time and then turn crazy on me, C) not willing to fight for me.

And part of it is in my head. I've come to the conclusion that I always think I am not good enough because of my father. All because he decided that the family he had wasn't good enough so he had to leave and make a new one. It's been 11 years and it's still affecting me.

I was 18 when he left so I really have no illusions that my mom drove him away or something. He made the choice to fuck around on her. He made the choice to leave her, marry his whore, and have a child. It had nothing to do with me at all.

Yet I can't get it out of my mind...how can any man find me good enough...worthy enough...to commit to and stay with if my own father didn't want to stay around?

So I had my little bit of therapy today and hope that tomorrow will be better. I'm going to try to stay positive and take it all one day at a time. It's all I can do.