Well...shit. No idea for a title.

Basically I am just venting now. I just feel so lost and confused and I just want to either put my fist through a wall or go to sleep and never, ever wake up. Neither a really viable option at the moment.


I'm not upset at a specific person or event, just a number of things that have been building up inside and this is the best place for me to vent without harassing my friends. I'll probably just ramble on and on until I get it all out so if you don't want to read this I won't be upset.

I always fall too hard too fast for men. I have all this fucking love to give someone, a caring, loving worthy man, and no one wants it. No one.

What is wrong with me? If someone could please tell me what it is that makes me so unworthy of being loved, I would greatly appreciate it. Seriously. Let me know what I can do to fix it. If it can even be fixed.

Lenny and I had a nasty email fight a few days ago. It's the same old shit with him. Excuses, excuses, excuses. I'm pretty sure I am done with it this time. He was pissed off that I left him a fucking comment on his Myspace and it pretty much escalated from there. Long story short, not his direct words but what was said basically said "You're almost 30 and you're acting like a stupid child". OH well fuck 'em, right?

Work sucks. I need to find either something that pays me better or a second job to supplement my money.

The situation with D. Well. I don't even know what to say about that. I care about him, I really really do. Probably more than he does about me. I am still there in the fight, not running away. People doubt my decision, tell me I am crazy...but if you knew this man and saw the way he is...I am doing what my brain and my heart are telling me to do. If I end up hurt I have no one to blame but me.

Sometimes, though, I feel like he is looking right past me. He said from the beginning that he wanted to see other people and I said that was fine. But I also have to deal with all this jealousy I have. To think of him doing with other women what he does with me....wow. Yet I don't know whether he is or not, at least not for sure.

My imagination gets the best of me sometimes. We argued the other night...he said I was just like his ex. Yep, he compared me to The Bitch.

So not true. I never accused him of fucking anyone, but any person who looks at his Myspace can see the women that want him. I'm not the only one who has feelings for him apparently. And the fucking green eyed monster is driving me insane.

So I worry that I'm not enough to capture his interest. Or that I am not good enough to compete with the other women and I don't even know who the fuck I am competing with.

He told me tonight that he might sell his place and move to Oregon. I was on the phone with him and all I could say, was "oh, ok."

D.: "Is that all you're going to say?"
Me: What do you want me to say?

I don't want him to go. I wanted to beg him to stay. But I don't know if I am enough to get him to stay here. I don't know if I am what he is looking for or if I am what he wants.

I love him as my friend before all else. And it would really break my heart to see him go.

I can't beg him to stay because he is not my boyfriend. As much as I would want him to be, it's not at that level yet. I just don't want him to go.

I don't know what else to say right now. I think I'm going to save this before the tears come back.

Self Therapy

I was sitting and watching a movie today and I started thinking about myself. It's not often that I really take the time to think about ME. I'm usually so worried about pleasing every one else that I lose sight of myself and what I want and need.

One of the things that I puzzled over was why am I not good enough? As in guys. Why am I not good enough for a relationship? Why can I never find anyone who thinks I am worth fighting for or worth keeping around? Is it true that the men in my life had thought that or it was something just in my own head?

This isn't even about one specific guy. I was just wondering what is wrong with me that makes a guy either A) unwilling to commit, B) willing to commit for a short time and then turn crazy on me, C) not willing to fight for me.

And part of it is in my head. I've come to the conclusion that I always think I am not good enough because of my father. All because he decided that the family he had wasn't good enough so he had to leave and make a new one. It's been 11 years and it's still affecting me.

I was 18 when he left so I really have no illusions that my mom drove him away or something. He made the choice to fuck around on her. He made the choice to leave her, marry his whore, and have a child. It had nothing to do with me at all.

Yet I can't get it out of my mind...how can any man find me good enough...worthy enough...to commit to and stay with if my own father didn't want to stay around?

So I had my little bit of therapy today and hope that tomorrow will be better. I'm going to try to stay positive and take it all one day at a time. It's all I can do.

This Past Weekend AKA OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED!

Friday: D came over and he, Angie, and I went swimming. It was a really fun day until Tim called me. Basically he blew up my phone. Called twice, left two voicemails, and texted me twice.

D wanted to hear the voicemails so I played them on speaker phone. They basically said the same old usual crap. "I love you I am so sorry my life is so much better now I never meant those things I said." Blah de fucking blah. I was pissed. D told me I should call him and tell him to fuck off or he wouldn't ever leave me alone.

So I did. I was pleasant enough. People say I am too nice and maybe this was one of those occasions. I got a lot of stuff off my mind in a short time, told him I was NOT getting back together with him, and that I was seeing someone. He asked if we could still be friends and I was like, ummmm no, it would take a very long time to ever get to that level. I felt so much better.

I hung up. D looked at me and told me that I still had feelings for Tim. Ummmmm.....no. Anger. Pity. Kicking myself in the ass for letting me/making me feel like shit for six months. But no love. Not anymore. So I had to convince him. Hehehehe.

Saturday night. Angie, Jenna, and I went to D's house to hang out. Had some pizza, and some drinks, Jenna went home.

Long story short...D ended up calling Tim and threatening him on his voicemail. And then the police ended up calling me cause Tim went and filed a harassment complaint against me. It was not funny at the time but it sure as hell is funny now. The little coward left his house at 2:30 in the morning to go call the cops. Basically we were told to cease and desist all contact and whichever party contacted the other next were the ones going to jail.

I am soooooooooooo waiting for Tim to call back. ROFL

Anyway...

Things with D. Going well I think. Getting to know him. I care about him a lot. Not in love with him yet but we all know that stuff can't be rushed. He has some issues but so do I. Basically he has an ex that treats him like Tim used to treat me.

Except while I loved Tim, D is still IN love with his ex. He is a wonderful man, a loving father, and deserves so much fucking better than that Bitch. That Bitch has torn him down so much that I could just punch her in the face.

I try and try and try to tell him that he is a wonderful man. That he deserves happiness (and yes, while it killed me to say it I said whether it be with me or someone else) and deserves someone who will treat him with the respect and the love that he so deserves. He needs and deserves someone who will love him for the total package. He needs someone who will not put him down and make him feel like crap. The look on his face when he tells me things she has said or done...breaks my heart. I tell him over and over how special he is, yet sometimes I think he doesn't believe me.

I told Vicki a bit about the situation, not too many details because it's D's personal business and not my business to discuss. Just enough so she knew what I was dealing with. After I was done venting about The Bitch, she asked me "And D...is he worth it? Is he worth the waiting you'll have to do? The fighting against the walls he has built up? Is he worth the jealousy you are going to feel if he talks about his ex?"

The answer is yes. He is so worth it. I just wish I could make him see that. I care about him a lot. Would I like to see it develope into something more? Hell yeah.

But I am not going to push him or rush him into anything he is not ready for. Right now I am content to get to know the man better. To let him get to know me. Spend time with each other. One day at a time and see how things go.

I intend to make him see that he IS worth it. He IS worth the fight. I intend to make him see that he can't push me away and that I will NOT give up on him.

He'll see that I am quite persistent when I set my mind on something that I want.

Barriers

I came across this quote. It means a lot to me.

Rumi:
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

I've got barriers built up inside me. A lot of layers of different emotions that I have put up to protect myself. Yet I keep getting hurt. Every time I let someone in and pull down the walls I regret it.

The loneliness is back, that much is clear. It's rearing it's ugly head at night. It's hard for me to sleep. I have so much love to give to someone and no one to give it to. I am 29, ready to be married and settled down, and yet either no one is willing or something goes wrong.

There were so many issues with Tim. My self esteem is still in the dumps over that one. I try so hard to tell myself that it was all him and just me but that little voice inside my head tells me there is no way it was ALL him.

It's almost 2am and I have to get up for work at 4am. Go figure.

I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

Can't Think of a Title

Where do I begin?

Oh, Adam, I left you a reply in the comments of the previous entry, under your comment.

*****

Tim and I are done. Finished. After his last text and phone calls I just couldn't take it anymore. Granted, the whole reason I was ignoring him was hoping he would give up and go away. He has some mental issues (I think he may be bipolar) and I didn't really want him to flip out on me. So after his last text message saying that he loves me and please get back together I just simply replied "No."

I haven't heard from him since.

It's a good thing, so please don't be all sad and sympathetic for me. That relationship was not good for me. It started out great but in the end I started to lose a bit of myself I think.

I let him control a lot of aspects of the relationship. It was not healthy for me to do so. I let him make all the decisions and that is not normally like me. After breaking up twice when he brought up my "devil" tattoo in bed the night before we broke up...I was so in the mindset of wanting to please him that I offered to get it changed.

If you are in a relationship and you have to change yourself so drastically like that, it is so not worth it. I hate myself for even offering it. I thought I was a stronger person than that. Yet he was also at fault for making me feel so bad about myself that I'd be willing to do something like that.

So here I am. Tattooed. Attitude. Still not going to church. And while I may not be blissfully happy being alone, I am quite content with the skin I am in.

And I promised myself to never, EVER, change myself to make someone else happy.

You have got to be kidding me, right?

I haven't talked to Tim in three weeks. Last night he text messaged me.

"Txt me i luv u i want to see u tngt u have not spoke to me lately are u mad at me"

Are you mad at me? You have got to be fucking kidding me. My jaw hit the floor on that.

So he thinks I should be happy that he basically called me a Godless whore? That he insulted me and our relationship together by saying that all I was into was sex and that having sex with me was a "sin" that he had to "ask God for forgiveness for"?

Oh hell no. I am not going through that again.

He must think I am either really stupid or really desperate. To think that I would just forget the past month, forget his comments, and just forgive him like that and go running back to his sorry ass.

I don't think so.

But damn, does he have some major balls to even text me that. To even assume that.

Hitting Me Hard

For about the past hour I've been sitting here, quietly crying. I can't seem to make myself stop.

I only cried once, the day Tim dumped me, but today for some reason it just hit me hard. I haven't loved many people in my life but I did love him. I put my heart, body, and soul into a relationship with that man for five months and he just threw it all away.

I've been feeling like crap the past few days. Self-esteem is really low at the moment and I've been on edge but I paste a smile on my face so no one can see how I really feel. The past three weeks I've slept about two or three hours a night and yet I am still functioning.

I went to Petsm@rt tonight with Jenna and Angie. I always look at the cats when I go in there even though I already have three and realistically couldn't afford to feed and take care of any more. I saw this one cat that was adorable and looked familiar. I was about to say "Oh that cat looks just like Tim's" when I saw the cat's name tag on the cage.

It was Tim's cat, Cinnamon. My heart broke. You see, when you are involved with someone you get involved with their pets, especially if you are an animal lover like me. I adored both his cats like they were my own. I would go to his house and Cinnamon and Sugar would climb in my lap and go to sleep. When I would sleep in his bed Cinnamon would curl up on the pillow next to my head and I would fall asleep to the sound of her purring all night.

So I was shocked. Angie and Jenna couldn't believe it. So we looked at the other cats and soon found Sugar.

The paperwork said he had surrendered them both. Willingly. For no reason.

I was so angry. So mad. He had raised the cats since they had been kittens. So I bent down and tapped on the glass of the cage Cinnamon was in. She looked at me and recognized me. Stood on her hind legs and scratched at the glass and meowed at me. She tried to get to me so bad. Sugar did the same thing.

I got teary eyed. Jenna got teary eyed and had to walk away. I wanted to take those baby cats home so bad but I simply do not have the room or the money to do so.

I'm so angry. He threw me away. Threw my love away. Threw his cats away.

Yet I can do nothing but sit here and cry. Because like me, those cats gave him nothing but unconditional love...and we all got thrown away like a used Kleenex.

Trying To Make Sense of it All Part 2

Seven hours later I got this text message:

"All I want to be is friends nothing else this is my decision".

I didn't respond to that one either. I just left it. I was worn out, worn down and didn't want to care. I did care but it was easier to be mad.

April 3rd rolled around and I got a text that night. "Jenn call me or txt me please." Umm, no thanks, I don't want any of what you are selling.

The next day he called my cell. Three times. Three long voice messages. Apologizing for everything he had said and begging me for forgiveness. He told me how much he loved me and missed me. He told me how sorry he was. He told me how he wanted to marry me and have children with me and be together forever.

I didn't answer the phone. I didn't call him back. He in essence called me a whore who had no God in her life, told me he didn't like my tattoos, and that I should be trying to better myself...but I was supposed to forgive him just like that??

This past Saturday I tried to call him but his phone was off. So I texted him. He replied with " I luv u do u luv me i miss u". Sweet right?

So I texted back with "Yes I love you and maybe we can work things out."

His response: "Can u come over tnt i want to have sex with u and make up."
Me: I can't, my cousin is visiting from out of town for the Easter holiday. And you need to realize how much you hurt me.
Him: When can we have sex again

Picture me sitting here in bed, talking to Angie, getting that text and just sitting here blinking dumbfoundedly at the phone. WHAT THE HELL? No, "I'm sorry I hurt you". No, "I'm sorry I said all YOU were into is sex".

I responded. Easter Sunday morning. "Is that all you want? Just sex?"

Tim: No I want a serious relationship with some sex.

I haven't bothered to respond. He crushed my self esteem into the dirt. He made me feel like a whore. He made me feel like my tattoos were nasty. He made me feel like I am below him and I should be bettering myself to be on his elevated level.

Yet the best he comes up with is "WHEN CAN WE HAVE SEX AGAIN?"

I should have responded with "A cold day in hell motherfucker."

So what to do...meet him and try to work it out? Take him back?

Or pursue this possible other opportunity that has popped up with an ex from 11 years ago who will always hold a piece of my heart no matter what?

I'm thinking stay single for a while. If the 11 year ex and I DO get back together...which might or might not happen...I don't want to use him as a rebound guy.

I just can't get over the fact that a 30 going on 31 year old Momma's boy who has a gambling addiction, who hasn't been to church in over five months, who likes sex just as much as I do...is sitting back, passing judgement on me, dumping me three times for various crap...and he acts like he is better than me. WTF?

Then asks me to come over so we can have sex and make up.

Pfft.

Trying To Make Sense of it All...Part 1

I didn't want to write about what happened because I have been trying to make sense of it all in my head. I can't get it straight. I don't know what to do. I know how I feel...hurt, worthless, angry, like dirt. It is amazing to me how when you love someone and they love you back how easy the words that they say can build you up or tear you down.

Or rip you to shreds.

Tim and I got back together. We were going to try to work things out. I went to his house on March 31st. We had a great night together (not getting into details, but it was nice). I got up early Sunday morning, April 1st, to come home and get the house straightened up. It was Wrestlemania day and he was going to come over with a bunch of my friends so I wanted to straighten up. I woke him, gave him a kiss, told him I was leaving.

Five minutes down the road from his house my cell phone rang and he asked why I had left. He asked me to come back to bed. So of course you know what happened when I went back. Good sex, great sex. So afterwards we get up, get dressed, he starts cleaning up stuff around his house. He tells me he still has a lot to do so "Why don't you leave and I will see you later?" I got a hug, a kiss, and an I love you and I was out the door.

Called my friend Vicki so I would have someone to talk to on the drive home. 10 minutes after I left his house I get a text message asking me to pick up some condoms. LOL I was like ok, but since I was on the phone I couldn't reply. Fourteen minutes later I get this hellish text message that just killed me.

To quote: "All u r into is sex u don't have god in ur life and u have a tattoo that resembles a devil and u r not trying to better urself i need someone who is and u r not that person i think the best thing is 4 us to break up n be friends."

I had Vicki on speaker phone and was just screaming, what the hell, what the fuck, what is this, where is this coming from?!? She tried to calm me down but it wasn't working. We got off the phone and I texted him, questioned him where this was coming from all of a sudden. No response. Then the coward turned his phone off because you can better believe I tried to call him.

I was pulled over at a gas station at this point. I just sat there and started bawling. What was so wrong with me that I had to "better myself"? How could he possibly think that "all I was into was sex?" I sat there crying and second guessing myself and every second of our relationship.

So I did what any woman does. I called my best friends and luckily Jenna and Angie (they are local my other friends are scattered across the country) met me at the gas station. I read them the texts and Angie started talking about going and kicking his ass, which made me crack up. The more I talked the less I cried and the more angry I felt. My self esteem was in the toilet.

I couldn't go home looking all cried out and upset because then I would have been questioned and I didn't want to get into it anymore. We drove around, looked at cars and shit and basically gave me a chance to suck it up and pull it together.

Then two hours later I got another text. Again, quoting it: "i'm not committing any more sin w u ive asked god 4 forgiveness".

Are you shitting me here? I busted up laughing at that one. This coming from a man in the entire almost five months we had been together hadn't stepped foot in a church ONCE! I didn't even bother to respond. I was done. Wore out, wrung out, feeling like some kind of dirty whore and sinner. Angry that I had given more and more of myself to him and got nothing back in return.

So we started the jokes, calling ourselves dirty whores and Godless sinners because dammit if I didn't laugh about it all I was going to do was cry. We hung out all day, I talked to a couple more of my girlfriends and even one of my ex-boyfriends (we stayed friends) and I just tried to pick up the pieces.

Seven hours later, I got another text.

Part 2 coming later...