Untitled

So D.

He had a bit to drink last night and doesn't remember our conversation. He doesn't remember what he asked me and then his comment on it later.

He doesn't remember the argument we got into or the comment he said to me that has been in my mind all day.

He told me he's thinking of moving to Oregon.

He's serious about it. I offered to beg and plead but it seems his mind is pretty much made up.

So now...knowing he doesn't remember what was said, or the fight we had, and the fact he is pretty much dead set on moving...yeah, that cracking noise you heard was my heart.

Go figure.

Well...shit. No idea for a title.

Basically I am just venting now. I just feel so lost and confused and I just want to either put my fist through a wall or go to sleep and never, ever wake up. Neither a really viable option at the moment.


I'm not upset at a specific person or event, just a number of things that have been building up inside and this is the best place for me to vent without harassing my friends. I'll probably just ramble on and on until I get it all out so if you don't want to read this I won't be upset.

I always fall too hard too fast for men. I have all this fucking love to give someone, a caring, loving worthy man, and no one wants it. No one.

What is wrong with me? If someone could please tell me what it is that makes me so unworthy of being loved, I would greatly appreciate it. Seriously. Let me know what I can do to fix it. If it can even be fixed.

Lenny and I had a nasty email fight a few days ago. It's the same old shit with him. Excuses, excuses, excuses. I'm pretty sure I am done with it this time. He was pissed off that I left him a fucking comment on his Myspace and it pretty much escalated from there. Long story short, not his direct words but what was said basically said "You're almost 30 and you're acting like a stupid child". OH well fuck 'em, right?

Work sucks. I need to find either something that pays me better or a second job to supplement my money.

The situation with D. Well. I don't even know what to say about that. I care about him, I really really do. Probably more than he does about me. I am still there in the fight, not running away. People doubt my decision, tell me I am crazy...but if you knew this man and saw the way he is...I am doing what my brain and my heart are telling me to do. If I end up hurt I have no one to blame but me.

Sometimes, though, I feel like he is looking right past me. He said from the beginning that he wanted to see other people and I said that was fine. But I also have to deal with all this jealousy I have. To think of him doing with other women what he does with me....wow. Yet I don't know whether he is or not, at least not for sure.

My imagination gets the best of me sometimes. We argued the other night...he said I was just like his ex. Yep, he compared me to The Bitch.

So not true. I never accused him of fucking anyone, but any person who looks at his Myspace can see the women that want him. I'm not the only one who has feelings for him apparently. And the fucking green eyed monster is driving me insane.

So I worry that I'm not enough to capture his interest. Or that I am not good enough to compete with the other women and I don't even know who the fuck I am competing with.

He told me tonight that he might sell his place and move to Oregon. I was on the phone with him and all I could say, was "oh, ok."

D.: "Is that all you're going to say?"
Me: What do you want me to say?

I don't want him to go. I wanted to beg him to stay. But I don't know if I am enough to get him to stay here. I don't know if I am what he is looking for or if I am what he wants.

I love him as my friend before all else. And it would really break my heart to see him go.

I can't beg him to stay because he is not my boyfriend. As much as I would want him to be, it's not at that level yet. I just don't want him to go.

I don't know what else to say right now. I think I'm going to save this before the tears come back.

Self Therapy

I was sitting and watching a movie today and I started thinking about myself. It's not often that I really take the time to think about ME. I'm usually so worried about pleasing every one else that I lose sight of myself and what I want and need.

One of the things that I puzzled over was why am I not good enough? As in guys. Why am I not good enough for a relationship? Why can I never find anyone who thinks I am worth fighting for or worth keeping around? Is it true that the men in my life had thought that or it was something just in my own head?

This isn't even about one specific guy. I was just wondering what is wrong with me that makes a guy either A) unwilling to commit, B) willing to commit for a short time and then turn crazy on me, C) not willing to fight for me.

And part of it is in my head. I've come to the conclusion that I always think I am not good enough because of my father. All because he decided that the family he had wasn't good enough so he had to leave and make a new one. It's been 11 years and it's still affecting me.

I was 18 when he left so I really have no illusions that my mom drove him away or something. He made the choice to fuck around on her. He made the choice to leave her, marry his whore, and have a child. It had nothing to do with me at all.

Yet I can't get it out of my mind...how can any man find me good enough...worthy enough...to commit to and stay with if my own father didn't want to stay around?

So I had my little bit of therapy today and hope that tomorrow will be better. I'm going to try to stay positive and take it all one day at a time. It's all I can do.

This Past Weekend AKA OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED!

Friday: D came over and he, Angie, and I went swimming. It was a really fun day until Tim called me. Basically he blew up my phone. Called twice, left two voicemails, and texted me twice.

D wanted to hear the voicemails so I played them on speaker phone. They basically said the same old usual crap. "I love you I am so sorry my life is so much better now I never meant those things I said." Blah de fucking blah. I was pissed. D told me I should call him and tell him to fuck off or he wouldn't ever leave me alone.

So I did. I was pleasant enough. People say I am too nice and maybe this was one of those occasions. I got a lot of stuff off my mind in a short time, told him I was NOT getting back together with him, and that I was seeing someone. He asked if we could still be friends and I was like, ummmm no, it would take a very long time to ever get to that level. I felt so much better.

I hung up. D looked at me and told me that I still had feelings for Tim. Ummmmm.....no. Anger. Pity. Kicking myself in the ass for letting me/making me feel like shit for six months. But no love. Not anymore. So I had to convince him. Hehehehe.

Saturday night. Angie, Jenna, and I went to D's house to hang out. Had some pizza, and some drinks, Jenna went home.

Long story short...D ended up calling Tim and threatening him on his voicemail. And then the police ended up calling me cause Tim went and filed a harassment complaint against me. It was not funny at the time but it sure as hell is funny now. The little coward left his house at 2:30 in the morning to go call the cops. Basically we were told to cease and desist all contact and whichever party contacted the other next were the ones going to jail.

I am soooooooooooo waiting for Tim to call back. ROFL

Anyway...

Things with D. Going well I think. Getting to know him. I care about him a lot. Not in love with him yet but we all know that stuff can't be rushed. He has some issues but so do I. Basically he has an ex that treats him like Tim used to treat me.

Except while I loved Tim, D is still IN love with his ex. He is a wonderful man, a loving father, and deserves so much fucking better than that Bitch. That Bitch has torn him down so much that I could just punch her in the face.

I try and try and try to tell him that he is a wonderful man. That he deserves happiness (and yes, while it killed me to say it I said whether it be with me or someone else) and deserves someone who will treat him with the respect and the love that he so deserves. He needs and deserves someone who will love him for the total package. He needs someone who will not put him down and make him feel like crap. The look on his face when he tells me things she has said or done...breaks my heart. I tell him over and over how special he is, yet sometimes I think he doesn't believe me.

I told Vicki a bit about the situation, not too many details because it's D's personal business and not my business to discuss. Just enough so she knew what I was dealing with. After I was done venting about The Bitch, she asked me "And D...is he worth it? Is he worth the waiting you'll have to do? The fighting against the walls he has built up? Is he worth the jealousy you are going to feel if he talks about his ex?"

The answer is yes. He is so worth it. I just wish I could make him see that. I care about him a lot. Would I like to see it develope into something more? Hell yeah.

But I am not going to push him or rush him into anything he is not ready for. Right now I am content to get to know the man better. To let him get to know me. Spend time with each other. One day at a time and see how things go.

I intend to make him see that he IS worth it. He IS worth the fight. I intend to make him see that he can't push me away and that I will NOT give up on him.

He'll see that I am quite persistent when I set my mind on something that I want.

A new beginning....?

So on Myspace I started talking to this guy, we'll call him D. Not a very interesting pseudonym as it's the first initial of his first name, but oh well.

We've talked, we've hit it off. We have so many things about ourselves that are so alike that it's scary.

I am not rushing things. Well I kind of rushed into something with him...but it's what I wanted.

I don't know what is going to happen or where this is going to lead, but it's going to be exciting to find out.

My Dating Resume

Name: Jenn (future wife/sex slave of viable applicant in response to this post!) Age: 29
Height: 6'1"
Eyes: Hazel, of the greenish brown variety
Hair: Long, straight, and currently dyed a light brown
Weight: Not telling.
Gender: Female.
Sexuality: Straight for everyone but Angelina
Religion: Non practicing Catholic
Political Affiliation: None, I don't vote
Occupation: I steam and bag fabric that they make Pl@ytex Eighteen H0ur Br@s from. Not my dream job but right now it pays the bills.

Educational Background: Graduated May 31, 1996. No college, YET, due to finances, etc. Besides, school bored me.

Most Notably Supports: Gay Marriage. Arts. Music.

I.Q.: No damn idea.

Diseases, Disabilities, and Neuroses: Wow. Ummm. okay, it's a list. Factor V Leiden Mutation, thyroid disease, damage to heart and lungs from blood clots. I have a nifty titanium thing implanted in my vena cava where it sits right behind my navel or so to catch blood clots. Umm. I used to have high cholesterol but I'm on a diet so it went down. Most of the disabilities I had due to a mild stroke are gone....well sometimes I have shaky balance and sometimes some memory problems (brain farts) but so far I am doing pretty good. As for Neuroses....well I can be pretty anal about some things. And I have mild OCD I think, though it's never been diagnosed. Hehehe.

Sexual History: That is something that I actually prefer to be a one on one conversation. I will say this. I have a very active imagination and I intend to put it to VERY good use.

Social Habits: Don't smoke. Drink on occasion but have never been a hard core drunk. I like to flirt excessively. Never did drugs either. I am not a bar hopping person but I am not opposed to going to a bar to sit and watch a band and have a drink or two.

Special Skills: Really good at making mix CDs, and matching paint colors. I would kick ass at Name that Tune. I have the wonderful ability of being able to give all my friends advice with their life problems and the complete inability to figure out my own. I make pretty nice jewelry and paint pretty jewelry boxes and flower pots.

Fetishes: Pirates. Basically I think it's the whole aggressive pillage and plunder and passion thing. I want a man who will just throw me down and go for it if the mood strikes him. I want someone who will take my breath away.

Possible Cons: I cuss like a sailor. I can be a bit disorganized. Hate doing dishes. Sometimes I let things from the past cloud my judgement. I'm late 70% the time when I am trying to get somewhere. Perverted sense of humor that some find offensive

Enjoys: Reading, painting, listening to music, burning CDs, chatting on the net, researching things for stories I write....Long Island Iced Teas....flirting......tending the flowers in the garden...watching Wrestlin'.

Dislikes: Racism, homophobia, narrow-mindedness in all forms, violence, cruelty to animals. Stupid people....stupid as in no common sense or rude, nasty individuals.

Men Who Find All These Things Okay: Must be at least 5'9". I'm 6'1" and want someone at least close to where I am. I will happily send you off to have fun with your men OR FEMALE friends as long as you are coming home to me! I expect the same courtesies returned. You must not like either the Boston Red Sox or New England Patriots. You must be able and willing to do the dishes. You must adore going to the movies and cuddling in the couch

I have a soft spot the size of the Grand Canyon for quirky sort of romantic gestures. And I LOVE flowers, all kinds, even daisies.

I love, love, LOVE horror movies. I love watching them, reading about them, talking about them. Extreme gore and violence does not bother me in the least, for I am no delicate little hothouse flower.

And you should never attempt to separate applicant from her love of the following television shows: WRESTLING baby!!, American Idol, The Apprentice, ER. One Tree Hill. Gilmore Girls. America's Next Top Model.

Finally, you should be chivalrous, be spontaneous. I do not take well to force. I have a very active imagination but have never been able to express it!

References: I still speak to four of my ex-boyfriends and am even quite friendly with two of them. They're on my Myspace friends list and if you can figure out which ones they are, feel free to contact them.

Applicant is opinionated, occasionally bitchy, intelligent, accomplished and somewhat attractive (but needs to be assured of this on occasion because her self esteem is in the crapper). She does not need to get her way all the time. She's supremely patient, very accommodating, but still a spirited specimen of a female. She loves to flirt. She has a creative side which can sometimes be considered weird at times.

But she can be hurt, she has been hurt (quite badly). And she's going to be suspicious of you at first. She's going to think you're nuts to want her, and she'll openly doubt your motives. You'll have to work for this one, but understand - it's what she wants. She's just afraid.

So be careful, but this one's worth it. Really.

Barriers

I came across this quote. It means a lot to me.

Rumi:
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

I've got barriers built up inside me. A lot of layers of different emotions that I have put up to protect myself. Yet I keep getting hurt. Every time I let someone in and pull down the walls I regret it.

The loneliness is back, that much is clear. It's rearing it's ugly head at night. It's hard for me to sleep. I have so much love to give to someone and no one to give it to. I am 29, ready to be married and settled down, and yet either no one is willing or something goes wrong.

There were so many issues with Tim. My self esteem is still in the dumps over that one. I try so hard to tell myself that it was all him and just me but that little voice inside my head tells me there is no way it was ALL him.

It's almost 2am and I have to get up for work at 4am. Go figure.

I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

Can't Think of a Title

Where do I begin?

Oh, Adam, I left you a reply in the comments of the previous entry, under your comment.

*****

Tim and I are done. Finished. After his last text and phone calls I just couldn't take it anymore. Granted, the whole reason I was ignoring him was hoping he would give up and go away. He has some mental issues (I think he may be bipolar) and I didn't really want him to flip out on me. So after his last text message saying that he loves me and please get back together I just simply replied "No."

I haven't heard from him since.

It's a good thing, so please don't be all sad and sympathetic for me. That relationship was not good for me. It started out great but in the end I started to lose a bit of myself I think.

I let him control a lot of aspects of the relationship. It was not healthy for me to do so. I let him make all the decisions and that is not normally like me. After breaking up twice when he brought up my "devil" tattoo in bed the night before we broke up...I was so in the mindset of wanting to please him that I offered to get it changed.

If you are in a relationship and you have to change yourself so drastically like that, it is so not worth it. I hate myself for even offering it. I thought I was a stronger person than that. Yet he was also at fault for making me feel so bad about myself that I'd be willing to do something like that.

So here I am. Tattooed. Attitude. Still not going to church. And while I may not be blissfully happy being alone, I am quite content with the skin I am in.

And I promised myself to never, EVER, change myself to make someone else happy.