So that update I mentioned......

I mentioned an update so here goes:

Tim had his ER visit the 10th. On the 12th he decided we needed to talk. He told me he was moving back in with his parent to get his life together. I was happy about that because I honestly think he needs a 24 hour support system and we haven't been together long enough for me to be that for them. They also gave him an ultimatum.

That's right. Break up with me. Just be friends. They want him to focus on his recovery and his issues and get himself well again. So I cried and let him go. I mean I couldn't very well deny him the help and time he needed just so I could stay happy.

The 16th rolls around and he calls me and asks me to meet him so we can talk. So I do. He asked me repeatedly if I was okay and told me I looked tired. Well gee, just perks a girl right up to hear that. What was I supposed to look, happy and well rested after he just dumped me? He asked me to go to his meetings with him (no, not an alcoholic or drug addict, he has other issues) and I agreed. Then he asked me to go to church with him.

Now I am not a traditional church goer. It does nothing for me. I asked him why and he says "I think it would help change my mother's opinion of you." Apparently the woman who has met me ONE TIME and saw me for like five minute two other times thinks I am going to be like his ex-girlfriend and verbally and emotionally abuse. And take all his money.

I refuse to change myself to make someone else happy. I am me, take it or leave it. If she thinks I am some big monster so be it. Both she and her son need to grow up and stop putting me in the same category as his EX-bitch. I am tired of paying for her mistakes.

He could tell I was mad, I mean, wouldn't you be? So we kind of left it at that. He came over to the house later that night, wanting to go to the movies, but Angie was here and I just wasn't going to dump my friend for him. Fuck that. So he invited her along. The night went well.

Then the 21st came along. He calls me at 10:15 at night and asks me to come over so we can talk. Angie was over that night too and I said maybe after she left. He could tell I was still angry with him and he sounded disappointed. In the end, I ended up not going.

So he showed up at my house the next day, asked me to go out. We went to a little store near here to get something to drink and sit and chat. He apologized to me for the whole breakup saga. Basically said that he keeps piling on all this crap on his mother and she in turn puts all this pressure on him. Asked me if I was still interested in him, of course I said yes I love the boy, so we agreed to try it again. Go slowly, take our time, build back up to the level we had been at.

So that brings us to the day after that which was Friday. We were supposed to go to the movies. He called while I was in the shower and left some vague message. Anyway, ended up not meeting up with him and not talking and I haven't heard from him all weekend.

So that's where we stand. Everything up in the air and I have no idea what is up.

I need a vacation.

Eh.

I haven't posted much because I haven't felt like talking about what has been going on. I'll probably make an update entry later.

But here is some news...got a new haircut and finally took a new picture.

Here is me, July 2006:

Here I am today, March of 2007:

So...what do you think?

Unsure and Afraid

So Tim is not doing so hot.

Last night about 9:30pm he called me from the hospital. He asked me to come meet him there because he wanted to get an evaluation. He was feeling suicidal again and instead of trying anything like he did last time he did as I asked him to do and went to the hospital. The other options I gave him were to call me or come straight over to my house.

When I got there he was staring off into space. He mumbled when he spoke to me and cried. It broke my heart to see him like that. He was so down on himself.

They finally took him back. So I played the waiting game. They called me back at around 11:30pm and it was scary.

He was like a completely different person. He was calm, lucid. He was like his normal every day self.

Long story short he was evaluated and since he seemed better they sent him home with a referral for a psychiatrist. No meds and they didn't even admit him for observation. And he was MAD that they wouldn't admit him.

I got home about a quarter to 1 in the morning, got something to eat and then went to his house to spend the night. He seemed okay this morning.

Now, depression runs in our family. I understand it. All I can do now is just pray to God for the strength to be able to help him through this and give him all the love and support that he needs and is going to need for a long time.

I'm just afraid that what I can offer will not be enough.

Hard Work

This relationship stuff is hard. I know I said it before but I don't know how many times I can stress that point because it's so true.

I finally pinned Tim down to talk to me. He asked me to come over last night and we were laying in bed. Kind of a weird time to talk but I could tell he was upset. So I just pulled him close and told him to talk to me.

So he did. I didn't realize how bad things have gotten with him. He has sunk into this major depression. He found out his ex-girlfriend found out she was pregnant after they broke up and aborted his baby without even telling him about it. He has no confidence in himself anymore. He has lost all positive thoughts for his life.

He tried to kill himself last week. I didn't even know.

I started feeling like a failure. Like I am not holding up my end of this relationship. I mean, he felt that depressed about his life and things that are going on that he'd rather kill himself then talk to me.

Those who know me really well know how hard it is for me to express my feelings to people. But I did it. I told him. I finally got it all out. My worry for him. My hopes for us as a couple. I cried when I told him that all I want is for him not to push me away and to come to me when he is feeling depressed. I told him to call me immediately or just come over to my house, no invitation needed.

He is supposed to see his a psychiatrist on Monday. He wants to get on some medication in addition to talking to someone. I think it's a good idea.

He told me the only bright thing in this dark tunnel for him is me and that he loves me.

We finally talked and broke the silence. Now we can move on to getting him better (I hope!!) and just loving each other.

Relationships

Everyone goes into relationships thinking it will be easy. You date, have sex, fall in love, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after.

No one realizes how much work it is.

I love Tim. I really do. I've only been in love two other times in my life so I know or think this is the real deal.

He's got some issues. He brought it up to me about a week after we started dating. So I know what I was walking in to.

I thought it would be so easy to deal with his problem. I mean he's not an alcoholic, drug abuser and he's not physically violent. He doesn't cheat. So everything else would be a cake walk, right?

Wrong.

He tell me he loves me, that he needs me, that he needs my support and help. The other night he was really down about himself and the stuff he is facing and said a few comments that concerned me. About sometimes he thinks about slitting his throat to get away from it all.

We were supposed to go out last Saturday night. His cell phone died in the middle of our conversation and I tried his house, no answer. Left him a message. He came by my house but I had stepped out to get something to eat so I missed him. Called him that night, he got on the phone and asked if he could call me back.

I didn't hear from him until Tuesday. Then he told me that he lost his job the same day.

I want to help him but I fear bringing up his problem. I don't want to make him mad. I don't want to make him NOT love me anymore. But...the stress of this...me worrying for DAYS that he was not okay, leaving message after message pleading with him to call and just let me know he was okay and getting NO response...it hurts me.

We went out Thursday night. Made plans for last night for dinner and a movie. Made plans to go to NYC today.

He no called no showed me last night. Didn't answer my message. Phone has been busy all day.

Yes it hurts. But more importantly I am worried that he's not okay.

We need to sit down and talk about this. We both know he has a problem. We never talk about it. It's like a huge pink elephant sitting between us in the living room. We both see it, we both know it's there...but we refuse to acknowledge it to each other. Out of fear of looking stupid. Or fear of losing each other.

I love him, but the silence has got to stop.

So now that I'm 29...

I feel old. Really old. I'm thinking it was those two years that I had three visits in the hospital, catching up with me. Or maybe is was the stroke.

I feel so tired and have no idea why. Nothing is really stressing me right now that I can tell. Maybe my subconcious is fighting with itself. Who knows?

I do know that next year, for my 30th, I am going on a trip. Where, I don't know. Who with, whoever wants to come. I just want to get away and celebrate BIG. For a while there a bunch of my doctors (and I have had 7 at one time) thought that I might not have made it.

So instead of New Year's Resolutions, I have resolutions for this year. Things to Change Before I Turn 30.

1. Go back on the weight loss program I started before and that actually worked. My Dream Goal is to lose 100 pounds by 30 years old. To be realistic I will settle for 75. (Yes, I am a big girl for those who don't know.) I lost over 40 pounds before so I know I can do it.
2. Try not to dwell on the stupid things. Be happy I am alive and have someone who loves me.
3. Curse less. Fuckity fucking fuck, and all that.
4. Get a new job with benefits ASAP so I can get back on all the pills I am supposed to be taking. It's a miracle I haven't landed in the hospital again. I thank God, Allah, whoever happens to be up there for that.
5. Get out of my negative mindset. I always think the worse and it has been shown to me that it can be a detrimental way of thinking.

So basically I want to be a happier, HEALTHIER person. I don't think any of the things I listed will be too hard for me to accomplish. I'm sure there are more I can think of too, so I might add back to this entry later.

Ya'll have a peachy day.

Eh. Ok, I guess.

I talked to Tim on the phone earlier. He was discussing the work he is doing on a book he plans to write. I am so excited for him. I can't/won't discuss his concept or ideas or plot but I am thinking it could be a really good book. He started asking my opinions on character names today. Then he brought up outlines and plot lines and sequel books.

We both like a lot of the same things and mentioned how we've seen some of "our" ideas in movies. Of course all of this talk got me thinking about things that have NOT been in the movies or books and I got a new story idea. I know I have a lot of unfinished stories lying around that I will get back to...but this idea has jumped to the front.

I've already started researching it. ;)

In other news, I am looking for a new job. Something full time, with benefits, and making at the very least what I make now. Which is not a whole lot but I am surviving on it.

I applied for two jobs at the local hospital and received an email yesterday saying that my application had been forwarded to the hiring manager. When I checked the online status of both applications, one said "Application Submitted" and the other said "In Review Phase". So hopefully it's a good sign.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

So far 2007 isn't turning out so great

Happy Fucking New Year to Me. Seriously, if the past few weeks are any indication 2007 is going to suck ass.

New Year's Eve wasn't bad. Angie and Jenna came over and we ate junk, watched movies, had a few drinks. Pretty cool. I didn't get to see Tim...but that's a different story for a different day.

I was driving my car to the store one night and hear this THUNK THUNK THUNK CLANG noise. Then my battery light came on and my power steering refused to be powered. I knew it was the alternator belt as I've had those break on my vehicles in the past.

So long story short it was the alternator belt, as well as a pulley, and ended up costing me TWO HUNDRED BUCKS.

A week later, I came home from work to find my dog, Angel, limping and favoring her paw. She had apparently cut it and it had gotten infected. One hundred and fifty dollars to the vet, fourty of which was for a rabies shot...which I found out when I returned home that SHE HAD ALREADY GOTTEN ONE!

Then this past Tuesday, my little baby cat, Colossus was sick again. He has had problems in the past with a blocked urinary tract. I've had it fixed three times. This time they wanted to do surgery. I couldn't afford the 1000 to 1500 dollars they wanted. These people don't take payments, they want the whole amount up front. Not only that but there was no gurantee that he wouldn't have needed a second and third surgery.

So I had my baby boy put to sleep. I am so heartbroken over this and still so completely depressed over it. This cat was like my baby and a member of my family and I miss him.

Christmas 2006

My paycheck didn't come last Friday. So guess who didn't get her Christmas shopping done? Guess who didn't give anyone any gifts yet? Guess who feels like a HUGE loser?

That's right. That would be me.

If that weren't bad enough, the universe decide to stick it to me some more. Christmas night I came down with a massive toothache. I had cracked a tooth a few months ago but it decided to wait until CHRISTMAS to hurt. Go figure.

Went to the ER twice and they would NOT give me anything for pain. I suffered so much.

Finally got in to see an oral surgeon this morning. He yanked the fucker. Hours later and thanks to Tylenol 3 with codeine and this chica feels sooooooooooo much better.

Except for the abrupt way that Tim just logged off of Myspace messenger a few minutes ago. He didn't even give me a chance to say goodbye.

I know he was disappointed that I didn't come over Christmas night. I was disappointed that he didn't come here like I thought he would. But really, after my tooth started hurting I was in so much pain and I got a pain pill from my mom...that was all she wrote. I was zonked out.

Then last night...I know he wanted to see me. I wanted to see him too. I was in so much pain that it was crazy. I didn't want to see him how I was, which was curled up in a ball on my bed, holding the side of my face, crying hysterically.

This wasn't your normal, boo-hoo I am so sad crying, it was the sobbing like my heart is breaking red puffy eyes big globs of snot coming out of my nose crying. Now who would want to be with their boyfriend looking like that?? Not me.

It is still so early in our relationship that I am still at that "give your best impression" stage. At least in my mind. I know it's silly. This man has seen me naked and not run screaming for the hills for fuck's sake.

I don't know. I know he was disappointed but maybe he was mad at me for being such a baby. If he calls later or I call him I will ask.

At least in this relationship I have no problems asking him how he feels. And while I still am a little hesitant to tell him how I feel, I am getting better at it. I just want so much for this to work. I love him so much already and while it still scares me at times it makes me so very happy.

So other than all that...Christmas was good. I got a new digital camera from my mother. She knows I am starting to get into photography. I got a whole bunch of other things too, and I can't wait till I can get off these pain pills, get to driving, and give my gifts out.

Better late, then never, right?

Yes, I love him too.

I spent the night at Tim's last night. It may seem odd to some people but I find that I actually sleep better when I am laying next to him with his arm thrown over me.

We talked about a lot of things. How he would love for me to have a job that I actually like. (ME TOO!) How he plans on writing a book, and the topic is something I can relate to. He supports me in my dreams as much as I support him.

He told me he loves me. He tells me that all the time but last night...he seemed so adamant about it. He told me he loves me more than he can express in words. He told me that I am the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. He told me that he's so happy when he's with me and so lonely when I'm gone.

All I could do was lay teary eyed in his arms and nod my head. Because I feel exactly the same way.

I know he's telling me the truth and speaking from his heart. I can hear it in his voice, see it in his eyes, feel it when he holds me.

Yet the ghosts of relationships past whisper in my ear. "You've heard that all before...and it was all lies," is what the evil little voice tells me. So that little shred of doubt remains.

He knows it's there. I know that it probably makes him angry. Yet I explained to him that it has nothing to do with him, that it has to do with the past, and he understands. He reassures me constantly that we are okay and that he loves me. I know it has to frustrate him to know that the doubt lives there in my mind.

The doubt, however, is long gone from my heart.

Today was a good day.

Work was not too bad today. Since we stopped the mandatory overtime I am able to take a nap when I get home and I think it's helping me not feel so run down.

Talked to Tim multiple times on the phone and then we went out to dinner. It was so nice being with him and being able to talk to him. I mean I spend a ton of time at his house, watching TV, talking, sleeping and umm...well you get the idea. ;) But it was nice to be out and about town with him. Tomorrow he wants to go to the movies.

Some people may say it's boring but I am content. Perfectly happy. I love him.

He was talking about his plans for the future (getting his LCSW license, starting a private practice, etc.) and I love hearing him talk about it. He has goals. He wants to do things with his life. Hearing him talk makes me want to do things. Makes me want to plan, to do more than what I am doing now.

He loves me for who I am and yet he makes me want to be a better person. That's not meant in a negative way at all. I guess I mean that he makes me want to push myself further...makes me want to realize goals...makes me dream about things I want to do and accomplish.

He inspires me and I love him for it.

So all in all today was a very good day.

What might have been...

I've been seeing this really wonderful guy for about a month now. His name is Tim. Things have moved so fast with him and yet I'm not scared about it.

I've always been the kind of girl that falls in love too hard too fast and end up getting burned by it. I promised myself earlier this year that I would NOT let that happen again.

But he told me he loved me first. And he means it. And strangely enough it didn't make me want to run screaming for the hills, because I love him too.

Criticize all you want. I know what I feel. I know how he feels because he tells me constantly. He and I are so much alike and have so much in common that it's scary. I can tell him anything and he doesn't make me feel stupid or that my opinion doesn't matter. He listens when I talk, he asks questions, and he just in general really pays attention to me.

So...there was the possibility looming that I was pregnant. I know some of the people who will read this will think that I just hopped in to bed to get knocked up by someone, anyone because I have always wanted to have children. That's not the case.

He was scared. He said it was too soon, that we weren't ready. Deep down I agree. He and I need more time to get to know each other...to be just with each other before we bring a baby into the picture. I tried to act like it was no big deal...that I would carry through with the pregnancy on my own if need be.

Deep down I was scared shitless that I would lose him if I was in fact pregnant. I was scared about how much my life would change and if I could, in fact, do it on my own if I had to.

My time of the month is usually pretty regular so when the time for it to start came and there was nothing...I started to panic. I couldn't tell him. I was late by three days when we were laying in bed one night and he asked me when I was due. I blew it off lightly and basically told him "oh, any time now".

For those three days I had the worst heartburn imaginable. I could barely sleep and then would suddenly crash out in exhaustion. We were in the middle of messing around the one night in bed when my heart started pounding and I couldn't breathe and I thought my heart was going to explode in my chest. I had to stop what I was doing and just lay down for a few minutes to compose myself. I think maybe it was the beginning of a panic attack.

The next day, my time of the month finally arrived. Yes I felt immensely relieved. We haven't been together that long and this would probably have ended things between us prematurely.

Yet...I was sad. I still feel sad. Tim had asked me once if I was pregnant..."are you ready to be a mother?" I told him I thought so. But this has made me realize that I am ready. I want to be a mother and start a family.

I also realized that it will wait until the time is right. But if it happens, when it happens there is no doubt that I will be ready. I just can't wait.

New Blog

I wanted to start a new blog. Something new to coincide with all the new changes in my life. I'm not necessarily running or hiding from the past...I just want to move forward with my future.

So here I am.

Bacardi Trix is a nickname that was given to me by my friends and has seem to have stuck. So I decided to use it here too. I already use it on my Myspace.

I'll be posting soon. I have a lot to say.

Gotta go with the family to get the tree but I will be back. :)